my life changed a whole bunch in Uganda, because my heart changed a whole bunch.
but I was unwilling to accept a lot of it.
I was living with a different heart, but the same exact plans as before.
And to further it, I was afraid, afraid of being homesick once again
But that not what God has called us towards, He has called us to be his hands and his feet, to love his creation, and to worship him our creator.
So what does this mean, well I'm thinking my plans might be different for next year. I'm thinking maybe just maybe I'll try to enter the work world for a year, while truly searching with all my heart, soul, and mind. Maybe I will end up in Scotland, maybe I'll end up in Africa. But I'm going to let God tell me what to do, and fear isn't going to stand in the way.

unless I'm doing a terrible job at listening, I don't think God wants me to live in Uganda again, It's not where he has called me, it's not how he has made me
but Uganda my semester there changed my heart at it's very core and now almost a year later, I'm still adjusting to life in the US, still trying to live as this new me.
It's not hard anymore
I don't have moments of crying, of feeling utterly alone,
but my study abroad experience changed me, and there's a part of me that wants to go back
I've realized how fragile my heart was when I was in Uganda, because it has started to heal.
That summer before, was the worst summer of my life, and my heart needed a lot of healing
I believe Uganda was part of it, but it hurt my experience. Part of me wants to go back. But I know it's not where God wants me.
But maybe one day, some day he will allow me a visit

So God's really working on my heart a
and well I might have a plan for next year
I might be going back to college....
yes you read that right, your eyes were not playing tricks on you
what i mean is I might go to missions college
It's called Redcliffe and it's in the Gloucester region of England yes you read that right... England
And the more I think about the more my heart is saying yes yes that's the one, that's your plan
So I might be writing papers for another year, I might in away be studying abroad again,
It just answers so many prayer
like with a Student visa I am allowed to work part time in the UK
isn't that wonderful
And it's community of people who want to go out and change the world, not just avoid college for a year (sorry YWAM, but you know there is a tinge of truth to that), or have some fantastic life changing missions experience, and come back to the US to never leave again, no it's a group of people in it for the long haul
How amazing is that!!

celebrations of a charismatic calvinist

I was just reading a statement on the Gifts of the Spirit by the PCA
and well I am very surprised to say I agree with all but baptism of the spirit*
In this document it makes some things very clear
such as that God DOES heal today, which is a blessing to a girl convinced of God's healing power
Pretty much it just believes that the gifts of the spirit should not be the focus of the church, and that they must be orderly when practiced so that the church is not divided and anger is not brought up.

This is a statement I can fully fully agree with. I have seen how charismatic gifts can go too far, and divide a church, I hope I never have to go through that again.
God must be the focus, signs and wonders should not be what we seek,
For when we seek signs and wonders are we truly following God with our whole heart?
Because if we are following God with our whole heart, doesn't it mean we should worship him even if all the gifts had stopped.

but this does not mean they do not happen today
because we serve an all powerful God, that is bigger and greater then we can possibly imagine, and because of this we can not put limits on what he can do. We must hold everything up to God's holy scripture. We must follow God with all our HEART, soul, and MIND

* listen to John Piper's sermon concerning the matter, turned my heart which was very set that it occurred at salvation, to believing in baptism of the holy spirit as a separate occurrence once again

“There is a warning. The path of God-exalting joy will cost you your life. Jesus said, “Whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.” In other words, it is better to lose your life than to waste it. If you live gladly to make others glad in
God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full. This is not a book about how to avoid a wounded life, but how to avoid a wasted life. Some of you will die in the service of Christ. That will not be a tragedy. Treasuring life above Christ is a tragedy.”
― John Piper

"We must be global Christians with a global vision because our God is a global God." — John Stot
I have a bit of holy anger burning inside of me, because I keep on realizing how un internationally focused CCU is.
CCU keeps on focusing more and more on America, not the world, it makes me mad, it makes me furious. And it's the attitude I keep on seeing more and more at CCU. That we should just focus on America because that's where God put us.
Don't they realize That the bible tells us to GO OUT!!!! to all nations
that there are people who have never heard the Jesus is their Savior
That America has 95% of Youth Ministry resources.
That sometime the best way to share the gospel is across culture
God has redeemed my soul, he bring a new meaning to my life. I want to share that with everyone. God loves the nations so we must love the nations. Not in a were better then you way, but we must walk besides people of all cultures on this journey we call life.

We must GET OUT of our America Bubble. Yes some people are called to minister to America, but their prayers, their resources must be partly with the nations. We can not afford to be American focus, our hearts our brains must be internationally focused.

"The Great Commission1 is not an option to be considered; it is a command to be obeyed" — Hudson Taylor
"The Bible is not the basis of missions; missions is the basis of the Bible" — Ralph Winter, missiologist
"The mission of the church is missions" — Oswald J. Smith
"To belong to Jesus is to embrace the nations with Him." — John Piper
"God is pursuing with omnipotent passion a worldwide purpose of gathering joyful worshipers for Himself from every tribe and tongue and people and nation. He has an inexhaustible enthusiasm for the supremacy of His name among the nations. Therefore, let us bring our affections into line with His, and, for the sake of His name, let us renounce the quest for worldly comforts and join His global purpose." — John Piper
"Go, send, or disobey." — John Piper

There are two things that I would like to say in speaking about the revival in the Hebrides. First, I would like to make it perfectly clear that I did not bring revival to the Hebrides. It has grieved me beyond words to hear people talk and write about the man who brought revival to the Hebrides. My dear people, I didn't do that. Revival was there before I ever set foot on the island. It began in a gracious awareness of God sweeping through the parish of Barvas.
Then I would like to make it perfectly clear what I understand of revival. When I speak of revival, I am not thinking of high-pressure evangelism. I am not thinking of crusades or of special efforts convened and organized by man. That is not in my mind at all. Revival is something altogether different from evangelism on its highest level. Revival is a moving of God in the community and suddenly the community becomes God conscious before a word is said by any man representing any special effort.

my hearts churning
it's scary when this happens, God usually ends up doing something big
like sending me to Uganda
but well with learning more about truth these past couple week, I have also learned about love
and it's changing the way I see everything. The people I am around, the people God has put in my life, well he's given me such a passion for them.
I'm so thankful for the people he's put in my life this year, both the people that I knew would be there, and the unexpected.
my unexpected direct roommate(s)
my apartment mates
my dearly beloved friends at school
my acquaintances.
I'm thankful, I'm sure going to be missing everyone a lot in a year and that's all your get in this area until after graduation, because just writing that sentence makes me tear up, this is way harder than leaving shorter because the friendship have been there longer, but it feel so similar. Graduation Life as a college grad I'm excited about you, but please don't come to fast

“The heart overflows with gladness, and leaps and dances for the joy it has found in God. In this experience the Holy Spirit is active, and has taught us in the flash of a moment the deep secret of joy. You will have as much joy and laughter in life as you have faith in God.”
― Martin Luther

So I'll admit somethng I was struggling with my plans for next year a lot
because i feel so ill equipped.
I'm the shy person who has struggled to make friendship for the last 10 years of her life (even though God has blessed me in that area in college, and has answered my deep crying prayers in high school I am still not miss social butterfly)
and yet I'm going to go to Scotland, to minister to people? God do you know what your asking?
but God is good. He's reminding me of one of the biggest passions in my heart. Mentoring and shepherding people. Not in a huge group, not in a teaching sense, but one on one or two by two.
Just listening, and living life with people, Helping them along with there lives by merely being there, by merely seeing their own heart.
(there's a reason I have a secret dream of helping people choose the right college)
and well I think he's showed me through different situations, that I'm pretty good at it too.
Sometimes God calls us to trust him blindly, but other times we need to trust him with reason, with our heads.
and i think God's allowing me to do this
My heart to mentor, love , and minister to people in Scotland grows by leaps and bounds when I put it in this perspective.
I'm not your church planter
I'm not your fiery evangelist
but God has grated me with gifts of shepherding and discernment (can you tell I took a spiritual gifts inventory this week), a gift of a servants heart
Now God Can you please show me how I can use this in the future, direct a path for me in scotland?
I want to love your people, and share your love.
Every bone in my body cries out for this.
Please prepare a path for me

These past two weeks I saw the danger of grey thinking
not that it's always wrong
Jesus made it clear that their are grey areas of life, no one besides God has all the answers, and those that believe they do often become pharisees
buy when tolerance becomes our goal and not truly having an open mind to God
we get in trouble
Sin becomes no longer sin because we tolerate it, and slowly people start down a path where God is the God we think he is in our heads.
I once heard a quote that describes this perfectly. it went something like this, If God hates everything we hate we have taken a wrong turning
We can't make up who God is
God is God he is unchangeable, he is Holy

but to figure out who God is and what he has made us to be. We must look towards him, we must read scripture, always remembering context context context. We must seek truth, we must see love, we must seek God
Growing closer to God is a struggle, it's important to wrestle with scripture, so that we can fully understand.
Just because part of the bible offends us, doesn't mean we are interpreting it wrong,or that the bible is untrue(it's not). It might be God pointing something in our hearts that we need to bring to him

As C.S Lewis once said "Safe, who said anything about safe, 'Course he isn't safe, but he is good, He's the King I tell you"
1 Corinthians 10 gives us a beautiful picture of why this is important

*my heart is broken by what I have seen on facebook this week, in regards to an action made by my old college. God's truth should reign in our lives, not the worlds truth.
(I do not fully know if I support the actions of Shorter College, there are many comments on the petition that make me question if I do, even though I am happy that they are emphasizing christian education, I wonder sometime if they are seeking the SBC's truth, not God's truth)

but to put things in perspective, this is what I think about legalism

"I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a shit. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night"

more on this quote about the Dalit freedom network 's visit to CCU next time

“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.”
(please click on quote above to go to a link to help the Dalit people of India)

I read this book this summer called hipster Christianity
and I just took the quiz again online and I'm extremely high on the christian hipster scale as embarrassing as that is, an astonishing 87 out of 121
and I'll admit its probably right
I would rather go to a church full of people in their eighties, then go to a megachurch
I would rather listen to hymns and go to a church that sings hymns with an organ so old fashioned that it is impossible to sing along, then listen to tobymac just once
My favorite christian authors are people like C.S Lewis, not Rick Warren
and well evangelism methods like tracts literally scare me, and give me nightmares
I was on the christian hipster side of things, before I knew what a hipster was
and I desperately don't want to be a hipster.
I want to be me and only me
but where does this lead me when my problem with mega churches is not that they are not cool, but I honestly believe they don't allow for enough community, and I believe they are the perfect avenue for consumer Christianity
and I believe tobymac and other ccm artist, are part of the reason Christians are so in a bubble they can't relate and therefore lead nonchristians to Christ
And I fervently believe in the timeless power of C.S Lewis's books
and I believe evangelism should be done by relationships, and methods such as tracts could lead people away from Christ

The book ends by talking about how the main goal of being a christian is being a disciple of Jesus, and leading others to christ. As Rob Bell says in one of his nooma videos( calm down I filter everything rob bell says through then lens of scripture) I want to be covered in the dust of my rabbi. Following him so closely that the dust he kicks up lands on me. But where does this leave me when I see such deep problems in the church, and desperately want to heal the pain the church has caused. I can't reject the church even though my inner christian hipster often times wants to. I have to work with the church, so it can heal from within. SO that people can get to know christ and to make him known. More on this topic watch Lord save me from your followers

something I've been learning recently
3 months isn't even enough to fully learn what a culture is like, and know they heart of a country. One of USP students pet peeves as a whole is when people have been in Uganda a week maybe two, and the feel like they know the country.
Because they don't
Would a person who showed up in America, and spent a week know everything about the country, and how it works? Heavens no!, I'm still learning about my home country of America
So why do we believe we do know everything when we visit other countries, I have no idea
For example I know all about the staple foods of rice, pohso and matoke in Uganda. But do I know exactly what area eats what, nope. Heck I even forget the name of the staple food in my rural homestay region of Uganda.
I know a lot about the leader of Uganda, from my class. But do I know how the people of Uganda, outside of UCU feel about him, nope.

I think one of the worse things we can do when traveling across cultures, Is feeling like we know how everything works, and know exactly how to help, and what exactly is hurt.
wake up America..... we don't
To fully understand a person we have to walk in their shoes for awhile
See life from their perspective.
This takes more then a week
and I'm pretty sure it takes more then a month.
Does anyone remember there first semester of college?
I'm pretty sure that you would say that you had a completely different perception of the people you were with from the beginning of the semester to the end, I know I did.

disclaimer: You can fall in love with a country in a week, you can start to see the heart of the people, you can feel compelled to help forever, I'm just saying you can't know a country, you cant fully know the heart of the people

I'm missing Uganda, but not in the missing USP way like I usually do
I'm missing the sights, the smells, the green
Like the walk I used to talk to my intro to Ugandan politics class
through the forest, and the sticky red mud.
I'm missing the monkeys, and the view from the top of the hill. The view that is unlike anything we have in America
I'm missing the way it smelled when it rained, like everything was being washed clean and becoming new
I miss my homestay, and playing with little constance
I miss the plants there
and the toucan that tried to attack me while I was in the shower
Chapatis and rolex's
and honestly this feeling is starting to scare me, it's the same feeling I had before I signed up for my study abroad semester in Uganda. Could you God possibly be leading me to go someplace crazy again? or back to Uganda? the one place I thought i would never live again?
Or maybe my soul desperately misses the outdoors, oh I need to return to the mountains it's been way to love. I'm longing to live deep and suck the marrow out of life. To walk through trees and hear the crunch of snow. I'm in colorado for goodness sakes

i was just reading my sister's blog
http://www.elaineinnewplaces.blogspot.com/
And I was remembering her experiences in other countries, her longing to be involved in missions. and how God completely changed her heart, and gave her a life in Birmingham that she loves from the depths of her heart. She is truly making a difference there and it makes me so proud to be able to call her my sister
and I keep on thinking God I graduate in a few months..
are you going to change my plans God? or am i really going to end up in Scotland?
Whatever it is God, make me thankful, help me spread your love
that I is all I really want to do after i graduate, I want to spread God's love as I have my parents do , as my grandparents do and have done, and how elaine and ketih do.
Adventure, different countries, different cultures, that's all extra. i want a life where I truly show people that God loves them, by loving them myself.
So God, what do you have up your sleeves? because we both know I'm pretty much open to anything.. Africa?, Europe? Asia?, ...even...Wichita?, if it is where you want me God help me serve you with all my heard, all my strength, and all of my soul.

So here's something I've never told anyone
the first time I got highlights in my hair in high school I sat in the chair weirdly feeling guilty the whole time
I have no idea why i did (which is why I kept on getting highlights, because there is nothing wrong with highlights)
but i did,
But you know what, now that I look back on it, i think it was God telling me how to be me, God showing me how he was shaping me, and how I wasn't paying any attention
God was trying to say Kim I didn't create you to be like all the other girls in marietta (not that they all got highlights), I created you to be you!!!!
but my desire to go with the flow,to be like others, made it so I didn't hear this
But slowly he showed me. He helped me fall in love with the word goober, he gave me this crazy love for Europe, and mountains, oh I love the mountains:. He lead me to Uganda, and even though Kim the shy girl is not the right fit for Ugandan culture, that trip taught me so much. He showed me how to enjoy people again, and how it really is okay to go out of the house without eyeliner and mascara.
God creates us to be nothing but us
and it doesnt matter if we don't fit the worlds perception of who shall be
because all the matters is that we are who God created us to be :)

God's doing HUGE things in my life right now, and it's scary. I could be leaving for Europe/Scotland as early as the end of may, a mere 8 months away... 8 months... Ive been home from Uganda for more then 8 months. It's so scary, and half the time I'm feeling like Moses did at the burning bush... me God.. your sending me? .. aren't you mistaken.... It's me were talking about... But you know what.... God is faithful, and more and more he's showing me I'm ready for this, even if the mere thought makes me shake in my boots.
http://www.ccu.edu/chapel/webmedia/2011-03-10.MP3

I pass a scene similar to this about five times on the way to church, and each time my heart breaks, and each week my heart breaks more. God has called us to give to those around us in need, to give without asking question, for when we give to them we give to him. But what does a young girl driving through denver in the middle lane do when she passes this on a weekly basis. Do I keep granola bars in my car so I can throw them out the window? DO I pray for them, because that all I can do?

The more I learn about God, the more I learn about reaching others, the more I'm convinced, that we need to lead people to christ through our love, our joy, our hope found in Christ. How can I love these men that I pass on my way to CHURCH each sunday?

a had a weird realization when I was frantically writing my Global century 1 paper this morning (I think deep thoughts when i write papers, don't ask me why, it's half the reason why it takes me so long and my GPA is what it is)
I never dream about Uganda
Ive had dreams about Scotland, and Colorado, about Georgia, about New York, but not about Uganda.
I actually sat there for a second and realized
I've never had a (memorable) dream about Uganda
except maybe the week after I got home, but I cant even remember if that's true
Why is this I wonder?
Is it another sign that it is not where God has called me?
Or is it because I never gave my heart truly away to Uganda as I have so many places?
Or is it because of the unfamiliarity, that was Uganda, and how the whole thing seemed like a dream, so it's hard to dream of such things?
Why do we dream what we dream? Does God speak through our dreams on a consistent basis?

presence

it was a pivotal theme in Uganda

the idea of being all there with the people you are with

it was my hardest lesson in Uganda

I'm constantly thinking about the future without embracing the present

but as Jim Elliott says

I must not let my longing slay the appetite of the living

I must embrace this senior year

because it is this year, that will prepare me to go out

to go out into the world

It's what I have been working towards all these years

i don't want a unprepared heart, one that isn't close to God

the savior of the universe

to stop me from going

to stop me from being all he has created me to be

God create in me a new heart

and prepare a right spirit within me

Help me to put you only you first

and help me to worship you the creator

and not your creation

I must remember what I learned in Uganda

I must live simply

and in the present

Uganda taught me many things, but the biggest lesson I learned from Uganda is how to love a country where I frankly found it hard to be myself. It many ways it taught me how to dream, how to free myself. I will forever be thankful for what it did.

I feel like when I returned from Uganda I wasn't quite ready to live simply

I was to busy being ready to be back in America.

Sure some things were different like how I gave away half my wardrobe

but the other changes, well I reverted back to old me.

I don't want to do that. I'm ready to simplify my life again, to enjoy presence, to continue to emerge from my shell

reverse culture shock part: 1000

I'm back at school for my fall semester and it is starting to turn cool.
This is something I did not experience last year, No the temperature stayed the same the whole semester. Maybe if anything it got warmer.
I like this cool weather thing, it encourages me to be studious.
But with the warm weather fading my memories are also slowly start to fade.
The smells the feelings that were so vividly etched in my mind when I returned home are not quite as vivid anymore, but they are still there.
They come up in the oddest of times.
And then there how Uganda changed me.
How basic thoughts and actions will never be the same
I'm walking to school right now, and just realized today, that while it takes the rest of west campus 10 minutes to cross the road, it only takes me 5, because when your in Uganda, you go when you can go, you don't wait for the perfect opportunity, you go and if you have to stand in the middle of the road while a car goes by, oh well.
Probably not the smartest move, but a change that is etched in my mind.
That's what happens when you live cross culturally though, you leave part of your mind part of your heart there forever. Never again will you be 100% American. You realize, that God has not given us just America, but the whole world. The American way in no longer the right way, but the American way.
You will look at your life differently when you return from the global south/ third world/ lesser developed countries.

I'm so thankful

so I find myself at a cross roads
a cross roads of finally finally without a doubt 100% feeling settled at CCU.
And knowing that I have less then a year left.
Feeling like I'm finally taking advantage of living in Colorado
but also knowing I could be gone in a year
God's given me a crazy love for this state
and in many many ways this state has helped me find myself
Helped me go from a self conscious girl, to one who is slowly staring to feeling comfortable in her own skin.
Not trying to be be something I'm not, but slowly learning how to be truly me.
I'm not trying to fit myself into some box anymore
because I've realized they don't fit
and that's not a bad thing......
So colorado, I might be gone in a year
but I love you and I'm thankful for you

List of US cities I wouldn't mind living in..... ( in no specific order)

1. Minneapolis St. Paul: A lot bit of lake, some pine trees, a big city, with a rugged and artsy vibe, sounds good to me. Not to mention I've met some pretty awesome people from the state, and I like the the upper midwest personality

2. Denver/ summit county....explains its self........

3. Lake Tahoe: Ski jobs galore, and pine trees that aren't being killed by a fungus..... for my future as a ski bum

4. Grand Rapids: for its central role in reformed faith and the amount of christian jobs

5. Chattanooga: my roots are still in the south, and I've always love chattanooga

6. Philly: the roots of my parents, and the city responsible for my love of history

7. Asheville: Outdoorsy, artsy, and in the south. Not to mention it's the home of App State that has a nutrition program

8. Seattle/ Portland, big trees nearby, and big mountains, also home to many big names in the outdoor industry

9 Birmingham... I have similar love for the city that I have for chattanooga, plus my sister is there

10 Colorado springs..... amount of mission agencies in the area..... purely a realistic move, plus mountains :D

but I think we all know number 1 isn't in the USA,

So school is three weeks away

my last first day of school

and I couldn't be more excited, excited to back to ccu, to colorado.

I keep on thinking on my one prayer for college

"please God just let me have friends"

and while it wasn't struggle free God answered my prayer

when your a person like me, friends are treasured a little extra deeply

If I let you get close

then I'm be loyal to you forever

I had very few people who were friends in high school in the strictest sense of the word.

now after college I have many

many who live all over the united states

friends who I know are there for me, as I am there for them

I'm feeling thankful today

so thankful

thank you God, thank you friends

thank you summer that helped me get over last summer, and will catapult me towards the future

Since returning from Uganda Ive been called brave, adventurous, all good things but something inside of me hesitates when I am called these things
Why do i feel this way?
I lived in Uganda for three months......
I'm doing everything in my power to try to move to Europe in a year and I'm praying that if it's God's will he will pave a way....
I randomly moved to New York this summer.......
I live in Colorado and crazy outdoor activities are a part of my daily life....
so why can't I consider myself braver then the average joe.....
because honestly I have a hard time believing I am,
sure I do crazy stuff
but why does that make me brave?

Definition of BRAVE

1: having or showing courage

cour·age

noun \ˈkər-ij, ˈkə-rij\

: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

I don't think that fits me, I'm the girl who didn't drive completely until she was 21 and didn't drive on high ways until she was 22
who is terrified of speaking in class....
the person who is terrified to ask professors questions.........

I think what it really is is that God gives us the strength to walk the path he has paved for us, my path might seems absolutely terrifying to one person, While I might think the person who isn't afraid to make a fool of themselves or is a truck driver, lives a terrifying lifestyle .
I really have a hard time saying a person is braver then another person because of singular things that they do. What I believe bravery really is, is knowing our lives are not our own and so instead we don't live for our safety but God's glory, which could mean living in the safest suburban bubble, or it could mean living in a village in Africa. God equips us, and sends us out, to be a light for him in the dark and dreary world

I'm sitting here in upstate New york, my summer home,
and well just being up here, well it's soothing and comforting
me and my navy cousins often talk about how this is the one place that feeels like home, because its been the one place that is a constant state of comfort growing up. We moved it didn't, we changed by the second, it has only changed gradually over time.

and well I'm in love with the Adirondacks, like in love. They're pretty much the reason I'm an outdoor leadership minor, that's a pretty impressive thing to be.

SO Ive been reading two books lately
The young, reformed, and restless
and hipster Christianity
and these books are pretty relevant to me
but the thing I've been thinking about lately, is am I these thing because the culture around me dictates it? Or am I these things because it is how God is shaping my heart?
I did a lot of failing and growing in what it means to be a christian my junior year.
I learned A Lot. and well I'm tired of having all head knowledge, and not living it out.
Next year I want to love everyone I'm around
I want to live passionately in everything I do
I want to be prepared to enter into the big bad world
I want to learn more about the love of Christ, and possibly share it those I'm around
I want to figure out this Scotland thing
I want to live simply and love radically
is that to much to hope for?

no job = oh well
God's leading me onto greener pastures
hint: the outdoors isn't going anywhere
God made clear of that
God? are you really leading me towards norway?

I'm feeling super thankful today
Tornados struck the south like never before last night
and one came a little too close for comfort, the huge mile wide tornado was only a couple miles away from my sister's home
I don't know if I've ever felt as helpless as I did last night sitting in the cafeteria, knowing there was a huge tornado near my sister's home and having no idea if it would hit her and Keith or not (for a couple of minutes all I knew was that she was ducking in cover and that it was bad), it was one of the times that the only thing I could do was pray, and I had to be okay with that.

Some of the people I know were not as lucky, I have heard that some of my friends from Shorter have family whose homes were destroyed. The college I went to freshman year has a lot of down trees and the power is still off. Thankfully as far as I know everyone is safe and accounted for. Be keeping them in your prayers

Why I resonate with reformed theology has a lot to do with my high school experience.
I am on the extroverted side (i have my introverted moments) and for the majority of my life, I have been the girl that even though I wasn't their best friend, they liked me I have always been the sweet girl, the nice girl,and even though I was a little different because of my speech, I always had friends, I felt loved by at least a minority
Well this wasn't the case in high school. I was lonely in high school, and got to a point my sophomore year that I literally felt loved by no one at school. While other kids hung out with friends on the weekend, I hung out out with my parents. I hit rock bottom, and wanted to desperately run away and start a new life, but couldn't. So I did the only thing I could do, I prayed
I prayed for new friends
but I also prayed that God would help me understand why I was going through this hard time.
And well God answered both prayers.
He showed me that the hard time was like a refining fire, he was using it to shape me.
Yet, places tell me that God doesn't have any part in the bad times we go through, because he is a good God
I can't agree.
Without my high school experience I wouldn't be who I am today
God is all powerful
He uses bad times for his Glory.

So I went to a reformed high school
where our dreams of a left behind return of Jesus were crushed
and we questioned stuff such as babies going to heaven
and if God hated people
(it was a bit extreme)
let's just say my whole class ran way from reformed theology super fast
Including me

I could not grasp he fact that a loving God would not choose to save some people. I thought all the reformed kids at my school were crazy for agreeing with this stuff. I still struggle with hell and God's love today

But the more as high school went on the more I was unable to deny the greatness of God.
Especially in the hardest times, his grace and love is still sovereign
I know the bible does not tell us that God causes bad things to happen, but God allows them to happen, they are in his will. And the more I started to understand God using bad things for his Glory, well I wasn't able to fit in my general common theology box anymore.
I started to struggle with Calvinism, and started to identify more and more with it.
but in many ways as much of a pun as this is, Calvinism started to choose me, I was running away from it with all my might.
but slowly I warmed up to the idea.

that is until I got to CCU
and then I went to Uganda
In these places it was as if
Calvinism was seen to be as much a part of Christianity as Buddhism is.
I felt like the solo Calvinist fish in a Armenian fish sea
and whenever I was open and talked about it, I might as well of been saying that I didn't believe in the trinity, that how much of a shocker it was.
so I forgot about my struggle
I hid it
I denied it
I stopped wrestling with it as much

then yesterday happened
when I finally visited one of the PCA (Presbyterian Church in America, the most conservative of the 2 main branches of Presbyterianism) churches in town
and I'm not kidding, it was like my soul breathed a sigh of relief.
and well I left church feeling closer to God, something that has not happened to me in a very long time
sure I have felt close to God over the past couple years, but it wasn't brought on by church, chapel yes, but not churches in Denver
and I'm still wrestling with Calvinism and other theological things, I still am a 3 1/2 point Calvinist but well I think I might of just found a place open to my struggling, and will help me find God's answers, not mans or the worlds
and provide me hope,
too bad next Sunday will be my last Sunday until august.
but I'm excited to see what next sunday brings

So I've been missing Uganda big time this week
I would pay anything to be sitting in the Convent in entebbe right now, with the 39 wonderful people that make up USP
I would do anything to be sitting in Josephine Tucker chatting with anyone who walks in
I would love to smell the rain
I would love to walk down the street of Mukono
USP is like a family, more then I ever realized when I was there.
But the thing is
I'm a drifter, i try not to be, but I get bored, honestly, I'm surprised I've stopped myself from trying to transfer.
and it's a lonely thing to be don't get me wrong, thank goodness I have my family
but It makes it so, that I literally have close friends on each coast, the north and the south. I have friends in Scotland, in Uganda.
and I love it
I absolutely love it.
but sometimes I wish I could find a community that i wasn't able to leave,
and then I don't
I hurt enough people when I left shorter, I don't really want to do that again by my choosing

I was so homesick while i was in Uganda for the first couple months, and then during everything with my Gahgee that when i got home i needed to literally just forget Uganda and Just be with my family with my home. I needed to celebrate pine trees, play in the mountains, love my incredible incredible family
but well the time to forget Uganda is gone
I miss the smell of rain
I miss trips to get chapati and rolexs
I really miss the wonderful usp and ugandan people i met.
and I've realized I'm different
I still don't quite fit into the space i left
I still look at our trash-can that gets filled up once a day with distain
(don't ask me why Uganda had an environmental influence on me, I have no idea)
I often feel like I come from a different planet then my peers
and even though I'm pretty sure that God will never ever call me to Africa
Pine-trees and having four seasons and such are just too dear to my heart not to mean something
(it's sounds weird but well it's something you have to experience for yourself)
I'm starting to wonder one again
Could he be calling me to Eastern Europe?
Politically well I've never been more confused in my life
and well spiritually, theologically I still know what I believe and it's really not different, but well I'm not as concerned as I once was about having perfect theology
I'm more concerned about how to best share God's wonderful amazing love with the world
I'm wanting to live simply, more then ever before
and often when I start to buy something, I stop realizing I don't truly truly need it.
and well there's this small small part of my heart that will always be in Uganda
and another part of me that will forever dream about living in a tent, cut of from the materialism excess of our world
Just like the earth around me is warming up, so is my heart, it's crying out to live again, to make a difference in the world around me

* and if you are wanting to hear abut Uganda.....upset I didn't share much when I got home.... well I'm ready to share

Reverse Cultural shock

so this is a silly song
but it really describes what coming back from Africa is like
except for the whole romantic relationship part haha

"Can I have another quarter?" he said.
"What?"
"Can I have another quarter?"
"Why?" she said.
"Uh, I dropped it," he said.
"Sure," she said, and she handed him another quarter.
And he reached out of the window there, and dropped it in the toll basket.
Up comes the gate, and out comes...

Johnny's camero, Johnny's camero
Johnny loved his camero, maybe more than life itself.

Oh it was no big deal, he was just taking her to the airport.
It was autumn in New York City,
there was a wind a lot like this.
It was springtime however, in Africa.
She'd been saving up her money.
She was going to go on one of these outward bound trips,
so he was just giving her a ride to the airport.
And around and around the airport they went,
through that parking garage, looking for a parking space.
"There's one," she said.
"No."
"There's one," she said.
"No."
You see, actually it takes two parking spaces...

for Johnny's camero, Johnny's camero

He's a little nervous walking through the airport.
He's always looking back over his shoulder.
"You can go back if you want," she said.
"No, no man, I'll stay."
And he did. He stayed until the plane took off.
Then he ran back.
But meanwhile, she was high up over the city.
She was looking down.
She was looking down at the lights of the buildings.
She was looking down at the lights of the boats on the water.
She was looking down at the lights.
You could see them crossing the bridges,
and through the little canyon streets.
Little tiny, diamond toward you and ruby away.
You know, those little tiny moving lights.
And she knew that one of them was... well you know.

Man, I've got to tell you about the adventure she had in Africa.
I think I should start with the silver bracelet,
I think that's where it all turns around.
She hadn't been on the trip long and one of the guides sort of
took her under his wing.
'Cause she was sort of startled easy,
she was a little nervous about being out there.
The first time she got sunburned through her hat
she realized she was a long way from being home.
She had just left the group for a little while one day,
she had just went to take a pee,
she said "I'll be right back," but she didn't come back for awhile.
And this guide, this African man went to look for her.
"Laura! Laura?"
He found her standing on the lowest branch of a fairly tall tree,
way off the ground."
"How you get up there?"
Well she had jumped.
"Why?"
Well there was a hyena, and they had told her about hyenas.
They have jaws that can crush bone.
She wasn't in a really confident position anyway,
and she just ran, and there was the branch.
She jumped - one hand slipped, one hand held.
She was not coming down.
"He's gone."
So now she trusted him, and she swings back down
and both arms straight, hanging from that branch,
her feet are four feet off the ground.
Man, she didn't know she could jump that high.
Ah, but she does now.

It was changes like that that made him give her that silver bracelet.
It was the one that he'd always wear kind of between his elbow
and his shoulder, kind of wrapped tight around his arm.
It was a beautiful silver bracelet, and he bent it down to fit around
her muscle there and she smiled.
So much so that it startled him.
So much so that on the last day of that trip, when they were getting
back on the bus to go to the small airport to go to the big airport
to go across the ocean to go back to... you know,
when they were getting back on the bus and she leaned out the window
for that last little cheesecake snapshot
and as he looked through the camera, he had to slowly take the camera
down, and turn his head to the side a little bit, look a little bit
sad and say
"How you get up there?"

She was dreaming over the ocean
Dreaming of being home again
Dreaming over the ocean
Of what would never be the same.

Well he wasn't at the gate when she got into the airport.
He must have been looking for a parking space.
So she just walked through the airport, you know,
and it wasn't like before.
Now the airport seemed kind of small.
The airport seemed kind of stuffy, ceiling was a little bit low.
And everyone was getting out of her way.
I don't know - well, actually I do know.
Maybe it was because it had been winter, you see,
and she had just come back from summer.
And she was just dressed normally. Everyone else was bundled up,
but she had on her hiking boots and shorts and tank top,
hair tied back, and a knife on her belt, and a big old silver bracelet,
I think it was the silver bracelet,
but everybody was getting out of her way.
She didn't see him 'til the backpack comes rolling down the
old baggage claim, and suddenly there's this arm
and this voice saying, "I'll get that."
And she says, "Hey, that's my backpack, gimme it. Where you parked?"
So he reluctantly gave her the backpack,
and she swung it over her shoulder
and they went out and carefully nestled it in the trunk

And then, out of the parking garage and into the city.
And she had to lean out the window,
she pushed the button and made the window go down
and she leaned out a little bit to feel the wind in her hair.
Man, this is the wild place to be.
I mean, this is the place,
she has to lean a little further out of the car just to
just to see it all, just to look up at some of the buildings.
As a matter of fact, she leaned a little farther back
so she could look back behind
and watch those big tires rolling on that pavement,
and then suddenly the window came back up
and she comes back in, startled
and sure enough Johnny's got his finger on the power...
...the power... the power window.
And he's looking at her like,
"Will you get your feet off the upholstery!"
The upholstery, the upholstery. She forgot. How could she forget?
Well, she'd been in Africa, come on.
She took her feet off the upholstery.
As a matter of fact, she took her feet off the upholstery politely.
As a matter of fact, she folded her hands in her lap
and she settled in for this ride.
I saw just a glint of a smile as she turned her face to one side.
Maybe to feel the plush upholstery brush against her cheek.
Maybe to see the lights of the graphic equalizer on the stereo
reflected in the side window.
Maybe to watch that lone drop of water make its weary way across
that perfectly waxed surface.
But I think it was just to enjoy this ride...
this ride...
this last ride...

in Johnny's camero, Johnny's camero.

Will you pray with me

new blog about entering the mission field and prayer request that I have, just look on my profile

moving pains......

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is
to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone
with the heavens, nature and God.

Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and
that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple
beauty of nature. I firmly believe that nature brings solace
in all troubles.
- Anne Frank

this week has been blah week,
you know those weeks were nothing is wrong but you feel like poo
Part of it is probably feeling a lack of direction
because I've realized lately how much I miss Georgia
I miss knowing people who have watched me grow into the person I am today
because well you are getting only a very small part of the story if you only know present day me
No one here knows cheerleading me, sorority girl me (ha ha hahaha I can't believe I wore pearls with a tee shirt), or has no friends me, or too cool for school middle school me.
and sure people in Georgia don't know me now, the learning how to be my real self without labels me.
But it would be great if someone besides my family knew all of these
because of the close knitness of the USP group, they got close, but it still isn't the same as if they were actually there.
I wish for a day I could go back to cell group at riverstone, and go from complaining about high school, to saying look at what were doing now!

My heart is broken, Back to school blues

1-3% of Scotland's population are born-again Christians. 1 There are more registered witches in Scotland than clergy. 1 On average, two churches a week in Scotland close down due to falling memberships. 1 At least one third of the Church of Scotland ministers would today profess to be evangelical (400 out of 1200). 2 In the Church of Scotland, the curve of decline is steep, membership is almost in freefall – with 20,000 members leaving per year, churches closing left right and centre. 2 Callum Brown, claims it took several centuries to convert Britain to Christianity but less than 40 years for the country to forsake it. 3 In Scotland, 45 percent of those who align themselves with Christianity are over the age of 50, and 35 per cent of Church of Scotland followers at pensionable age. This is a stark contrast to the Muslim community, where a massive 31 per cent of followers are under the age of 16. 4 1. Pastor David Simpson, Calvary Christian Fellowship. http://www.wcmonline.org/scotland01/overview.html 2. Free Church of Scotland website. Article from David Robertson. http://www.freechurch.org/robbo/robbocg.htm 3. Callum G. Brown is Professor of Religious and Cultural History at the University of Dundee. He teaches and researches in the history of community ritual, personal memory and secularisation. He is author of The Death of Christian Britain (2000) and Up-helly-aa (1998) 4. Alex Kay. © 2000-2003 Student Newspaper. Article: You mosque go to church. Reporting the first national census to take religious orientation into account was published by the Scottish Executive. The worse day of the semester? the day After spring break and with how Gods been gearing my heart lately toward Scotland, Looking at the mountains don't really make me feel better, I missed my family, and I just wanted to go home but God is Good and he has brought me through while breaking my heart for Scotland Your Hands -JJ Heller I have unanswered prayers I have trouble I wish wasn't there And I have asked a thousand ways That You would take my pain away That You would take my pain away I am trying to understand How to walk this weary land Make straight the paths that crookedly lie Oh Lord, before these feet of mine Oh Lord, before these feet of mine When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands When You walked upon the Earth You healed the broken, lost, and hurt I know You hate to see me cry One day You will set all things right Yea, one day You will set all things right When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands Your hands Your hands that shape the world Are holding me, they hold me still Your hands that shape the world Are holding me, they hold me still When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave You when... When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave... I never leave Your hands

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry (please remember hunger in not just physical)
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
____________________________________________________________________
-- Goodbye facebook

12 random facts

1. I was a cheerleader in high school, and Captain my senior year. It's pretty much what my high school career was devoted to. And now I cant believe I actually did it for so long, and often wonder what I was thinking.
2. i was involved in drama in middle school... I wish I stuck with it, i think my high school career would of been a happier one if I had
3. my biggest regret in life is how I treated people in middle school, I was a clueless idiot who would do anything to be popular and consistently talked behind peoples backs, even though I put on a mirage that I was the sweetest girl in the world
I'm stil trying to completely do away with these bad habits
4. I've realized life goes a lot better, when you don't care if people think you are cool
5. i dream of living in a house the size of a one care garage
6. I've realized the purpose of my time spent in Uganda was to simplify my life
7. I'm utterly more confused about politics each day, i have absolutely no idea which party (third parties included) I'll vote for in the next election
8. Most of my time in class is spent either feeling like the most liberal person there or the most conservative.
9. going on the mission field scares me, i often wonder if my theology is too free spirited for it
10. Calvinism bothers me, but I believe with all my heart that God is all powerful, and we're utterly utterly sinful, so i'm reluctantly reformed.
11. i am now realizing that most of my middle school teachers were hippies
12. I wish I had listened to them more

I'm in trouble....

That's Scotland
it's not Colorado,
but it will suffice...
It would be nice if God will tell me to plans he has for this heart of mine

When i was in Uganda we read this book called http://www.whenhelpinghurts.org/ and it made me mad really mad because of the context I was in. All around me I heard people talking about how short term missions are awful, and hurting, and they should be stopped! You would of thought that they were talking about trip where people went and directly stole away from the poor. But well my feelings have changed since I've returned. maybe in a different way those trips do do that in a not directed way... Do I believe all short term missions are bad? Heavens No But I do believe some short term missions allow the impoverished to slip deeper into poverty. We must enable, not disable those we help. We must enable them to help themselves, because they are capable of it, Short term missions need to be about giving Hope (telling about Christ) and a Future ( involving the people of the area and enabling them to help themselves) not about relief, unless it is providing relief after a horrific natural disaster, so they can get to they place they once were.

I am starting to feel that living in Scotland after I graduate, is not only a dream, but a likelihood a possibility. It's freaking me out a little bit
It's weeding out the bad desires from my heart and leaving the good ones.
Its creating a tension
I tension that is allowing me to evaluate
I honestly hope it stays awhile
If your reading this will you pray with me?
There's something in my heart thats hesitant
and its probably becuase I'm afraid of getting my hopes up
I have almost done a YWAM DTS two other times in my life
But the timing has never seen so perfect until now
It has never seemed like the only option that made sense
I'm almost wondering if it just seems like it's too good to be true
or is the lack of adventure it
is there something else God has in mind that's even better?

So I feel like I have to justify my dream to people a lot.
I often feel like an odd ball for having a heart for not the"global south" the third world or whatever you want to call it, but for Europe
I wonder sometimes if my call is less holy.
and I know this is all nonsence.
Ive been there
I've seen the need
I have felt needed
in my heart I have such a desire to bring not the joy of the world but the Joy of the Lord.

But why do I still feel like an oddball. Why do I feel like everyone thinks I just want to travel and see the world?
And I do, but the closer the time gets to going out, the more the desire to travel goes away, and the more my heart churns for living in Scotland. I realized the other day, that if I really lived in Scotland, and made a difference I would be happy if the only time I left was to go home to see my family. It would even be worth never skiing again, or whitewater rafting ( though I would be very sad to give these up, and you can do both of those in Scotland thank you Jesus).
Is it fear that makes me hesitant? Because the idea of moving to a country where I ony know about 30 people is pretty scary.
I'm wondering Where I go from here, because well God's been telling me lately that the next step I take is going to be a big big step.

Lesson of the day

Do not have 4 hours of sleep and then eat a cookie for breakfast

www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2010/10/30/20-things-ive-learned-from-traveling-around-the-world-for-three-years/

me and music the confusing love story

So when i was little all I listen to was christian music, and Soundtracks
I was born a goody goody two shoes, and well I wanted only the purest things in life,
So I listened to Amy Grant,
and the Princess Collection,
and Point of Grace
and If I was feeling crazy I listened to Audio Adrenaline or The Waiting.
I acted like I wasnt interested in listening to N'Sync, and well I thought the Spice girls were the epitomy of sinful music.
and then I got to the age where all my friends shared there cd's on field trips
and I sat on the bus feeling like i was all by myself with my Adventures in Odessey CDs.
And then I got to middle school, and my music was not only unpopular ( I was used to that, I liked being semi-unique) but it was uncool, I had a harder time dealing with uncool.
So I forgot about music, and slowly slid into a silent life, listening to only what those around me listened too.
But when I got an ipod for my 18th birthday, I slowly started to emerge from my music funk, but I also slow realized I had no Idea what I liked.
I tried contemporary christian music but well I didn't like it anymore, it was cheesy, it was everything I was trying to get away from ( the christian ghetto thank you worldviews class)
So I slowly starting to listen to music by Christians who were not christian singers ( aka U2, The Fray)
but I felt so limited
(to be continued writers block)

I just watched a video about Uganda
you know that country that I lived in for three months,
and it was weird
It brought back feelings that I haven't felt since the plane took off from Entebbe
This feeling that I desperately want to minster to that place, but knowing deep in my heart that God hasn't called me there.
It brought a questioning heart, questioning: Why not me God?
Why if I'm willing, why haven't you given me the heart?
Why oh God have you given me a heart for a different place, a place called Scotland.
And yes God I'm willing to go there

but wondering deep in my heart, my purpose there,
Wondering about other places, like India
Could I also have a purpose there?

all I know is I'm not called to America
(by the way I lied in my last post, I cried when I left Uganda Christian University too, but I didn't try to stay, honestly if if wasn't for the fact I would of gotten my staff leader in huge trouble, I would of never left Scotland. )

Scotland
The closer I get to graduation, well the more I feel led to go there.
and not just for a week
or two weeks
but something longer term
something like finding a job there
or doing a DTS
or some other missions thing
The more I realize how I left my heart there
and how well, it is the only place that leaving made me cry
But, how?
when?
with whom?

I'm going to be honest
If I wasn't 27 credits and a half of a semester away from graduating i would of run away from CCU yesterday
I wanted to be anyplace but CCU.
I was seeing all of CCU's faults and none of the good
I was lonely
but well today, today was nothing short of an answer to prayer
I woke up and had a wonderful breakfast with a wonderful friend
and then I went to chapel, where we prayed for the school, and I actually half way liked the speaker
and i sat by a wonderful friend
then middle east, where i once again sat by a wonderful friend
then Outdoor leadership where my small group really dived in and got to know each other, and well bonded
and Then housing ProMo where I well became very excited for next year, and well made a wonderful friend
Thank you God,
I needed today

deep theological thoughts are rolling around in my head

I'm a mess when it comes to theology
I come from such a mix of backgrounds parts of my head, cant agree with each other
and well Love I know it's central to scripture, God is LOVE
but where does that leave hell (which I believe in)
and eternal life spent there.(which I believe in)
the more I grow in love with God and the more I learn about God
the more I become more confused
The more I wonder who's really holy?
Is it the girl who lives a perfect life, loving God by staying as clean as she possibly can
or is it the girl who might drink to much sometimes, might be a little crazy in her actions, but her one hearts desire and life goal is to LOVE god with everything she has and she spends her days devouring scripture, and doing absolutely everything to love those around her.
or are they equally holy?
What does God truly believe about war? about capital punishment? about capitalism? about communism? about material goods? about living simply?
about the reformation? about denominations?

Missing Uganda

SO I didnt realize I was going thorugh reverse culture shock... but I am
haha
I'm a little bored with life in America
I miss a trip to the store being an adventure
I miss my fellow USP students
I miss the smell of flowers
I miss skirts and sandals
I miss being outside of my comfort zone...
What is my next adventure going to be?

So I over Idealized CCU when I was in Uganda so it's been interesting to come back to.Thing is though, I'm still super sure I'm supposed to be here, I just dont believe it's the most unique christian college in the country.
But the thing is
Even though I hate chapel (don't be alarmed my standards are ridiculously high after Dominion and 1st semester CCU, its probably mostly me, though the majority of the student body feels the same way. )
even though the first couple weeks of this semester were the loneliest of my college career
I am pretty much in love with this semester, even if my love for CCU might be diminishing somewhat.
For the first time in my college career my room, my apartment, is pretty drama free. Its far far far from perfect, but there's this peace about it that's so welcoming.
I feel like I am meeting some pretty awesome people at CCU and slowly emerging from my label as transfer student. (transferring college, hardest thing to do just so you know, not something you do for the heck of it)
And well I feel like I keep on learning to be me, Clumsy, scatterbrained, shy, talkative, Caring, Girly, Oudoorsy, in love with the world me, and well it's a fun journey.
What I'm even more thankful for though, is the people who I am slowly starting to meet along the way.

SO I'm going to try to change my blog from me wondering about the future, to embracing the present.
Like how it's a beautiful day,
Many people believe Colorado is this cold frozen place where people have to trudge through the snow all winter long....
But that's not the case is Denver.
While many snowy days exist in a typical Denver winter, so do the mild days
and these my friends is what makes living in Denver so wonderful.
It snows people spend time inside cuddled up and then two days later the sun is out, and even though it's 45 degrees outside it feels like springtime because the cold is such a dry cold that it isn't so miserable.
This my friends is why I love Colorado.
100% more snow then Georgia
and during the other times, well the weather is possibly more delightful.

okay so I'll admit it, I was a little upset when my parents told me in a lot more words that they didnt think studying abroad in New Zealand was the best idea, I still am sometimes because well I believe it could be the answer to combining my two passions when Uganda was not , especially when they were excited about Uganda but
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/02/22/new.zealand.earthquake/index.html?hpt=T2
I could of been there, I was going to wait to study in New Zealand until second semester
and well I dont remember where the schools were but well I remember some of them were near big cities
..... I'm not at all upset anymore

Is this supposed to be my next adventure after CCU
http://web.mac.com/ywampaisley/YWAM_Paisley/DTS.html?
or is it just some crazy dream that keeps on popping into my heart and becoming more and more like me, and well seeming like the answer to the fight in my brain.
Why does it seem so perfect for the dream I have of my life, but in a part of my heart it feels wrong
I don't want to be wrong
I don't want to not plan on going if God is calling me, oh no that would be dreadful
but if God is not calling me, it would be awful if I planned and stopped looking for the wonderful opportunities he has for me here
I thought I had closed the ywam chapter in my book....
but was I right that God really only told me to wait when I started to apply in high school, and was I not suppossed to forget it all together?

SO the adventurous spirit isnt going away, no its getting stronger.
I look at the things I could do in a year and a half and I realize, I would be ridiculous if I did something "normal".
Not when....
I could live in summit county and be an emt.....
or move to Scotland to do the Celtic Way DTS........
or move to a city and really really love people......
my crazy lifestyle isn't going anywhere, anytime soon
but I'm praying about what crazy adventure God wants me to do

God's funny

(from two post from Freshman year)
I have really been wanting to go to Colorado or Scotland lately, is that random?

I have really been interested in learning more about the Bible, missions, my faith, lately, Is that random?

Is it random that these have both been what i have been thinking a lot about lately?

, for one i need a break from school and I need to take a risk. I need to do something that is not typical. My whole life Ive been pretty much from the outside the cookie cutter American girl I grew up in the suburbs played with dolls did ballet, I was a girl scout I was a cheerleader. Then I came to college as an early childhood education major and joined a sorority. I have gone to "summer camp" for every summer since sixth grade. I like apple pie and the 4th of july... okay that might be going a little far. But what I'm saying is so far I done average things and I'm ready to do something different.

If I had only known. This is where my adventurous heart first started to grow. The heart the makes me Kim the 22 year old who is an outdoor leadership minor and has lived in Uganda. God was preparing my heart all they way back then, it's pretty cool.

I lived in the winter wonderland this weekend
I saw pine trees coated with a dusting of snow
I saw mountains that made my heart smile
I encountered true community
and I found myself realizing. That I can't have just Scotland, or just the outdoors. God didn't create me for that.
Some how some way God will teach me how to combine both of these passions, I just have to be patient and wait, and it will be revealed.
I thought I learned how to be be myself 4 years ago, but as college goes on I am realizing that I only learned who I was four years ago, learning how to act like myself is only just beginning to happen.

and well the hardship of last summer, well the lesson might of been worth how horrible it was.
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
- C. S Lewis The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,

SO with a year and a half left of my college career, well I'm pretty much certain I'll be single when I graduate( I don't get that close to people that fast)
and I've been thinking a lot lately about what that means.
Now I know the typical christian college girl would be devastated, but I must admit, I'm a little excited.
Not that it wouldn't be wonderful to find someone, and I sure hope I do someday, but well being single and not in school, means well I get to do anything, as long as I have a way to make a living, as long as God allows, I could go crazy and explore the world if I wanted to
I could move to Scotland.
I could become a ski bum
I could do something crazy like move the the west coast, or the east coast.
I could live in an intentional living community.
I could move to New Zealand
and well it's kind of fun to think about those things, not in a well that would be fun way, but a what if I really did this way.
God could through a curve ball, this adventurous spirit could go away, but for now I'm embracing it.

History ,
It's also been always apart of me
Growing up my favorite make believe game was not princess, or house. It was little women and titanic.
I was a pioneer girl for halloween
and a colonial girl
and a mexican girl in the 18 hundreds
I gobbled up the American girl dolls and books
and Laura Ingalls Wilder was my best friend
and well this love of history is part of the reason I love scotland so much.
I feel like the history there, well it's everywhere, and it pumps through my bones.
My heart Smiles when I'm in Scotland...
Why do I feel so drawn to the mountains....

I'm starting to think more and more, that I can't choose between the two. And that isn't what God wants me to do, that somewhere somehow, there is a third option, an option that will come with time.

You know that little place in your heart.
That place that when you do something, you know you are suppossed to do in for the rest of your life.
Well that's how I feel when I look at mountains, when I look at pine trees that scrape the sky, when I take a dip in a cold mountain lake.
I know I'm supposed to be outdoors.
It is the constant in my life, the one interest that has always been there.
The first trip my parents took me on was a camping trip
I'm the girl who played with salamanders when I was little.
Who built stick forts in middle school
Who spent countless hours playing in the creek behind my neighborhood
The thing is though I've always picked stuff over the outdoors.
I quit rangers because of cheerleading
and so on and so on...
but I'm done
and I don't want to do that again, I don't want to forget the outdoors, I want to spend my life in it unless God is directing me otherwise
but is he...?
Why do the mountains give me this constant feeling of rightness?
Why do I sometimes feel completely unqualified to work in the outdoors?

I go to Scotland, and i feel like myself, I think to myself this is who God created me to be.
I go skiing, and I feel like myself, I think to myself this is who God created me to be
but you know what, I can't do both things
I cant' live in Colorado and ski everyday, and live in Scotland and minster to youth. And the essence of what these things mean to me. Well It means that ministering to youth in Colorado wont cut it and that skiing in Scotland wont cut it either.
Sometimes I think moving to New Zealand is the answer, but I'm not sure of that either, incredible history isn't present there, It doesn't pump through my veins
Sometime I wish God would just point me in the right direction instead of sending me off in two different paths

We live in a word where being real is celebrated, where people hate fakeness. But are we really real?
Could we walk up to someone and honestly say, I talked behind your back, I said mean awful things, but I still want you to love me and be my best friend?
Can we honestly tell the people around us that we don't feel accepted?
What would happen if someone honestly told the you they were trying to fit themselves into a mold?
Or that they were selfish and looked out for there best interest?
But don't we all do this, we are one way to the world, we are a different way inside ourselves.
But I'm starting to think more and more that if we were open about our failures are shortcomings, our ....... sins...... We would be loving people more, we would be loving Jesus more.

Hi I'm Kim
I wonder sometimes if I was suppossed to go to nursing school, and I ignored it so I could play in the mountains
I constantly look for approval

.... What are you not open about? ......
It's hard to be transparent isn't it? But what would the world look like if we truly learned to be?

I have a confession to make
in the last two days (don't worry I hung out with people, studied, and went to church too)
I have watched probably 8 episodes of Grey's anatomy, I started and I couldn't stop
and I don't watch it for the story lines and love stories(their a bonus)
I watch it for the patient characters, and the medical information.
I forget how much I love the medical world, until I am exposed to it again.
And there's something deep inside of me that is dying to be a part of it.
But I also know I'm supposed to stay in Colorado, at CCU.
SO what does this mean for a Global studies- Outdoor leadership minor, I have no idea
During times like this I wonder why I'm at CCU, and not at Oklahoma City University, or Carson Newman in nursing school. I could of gotten into some nursing school, it wasn't impossible. So why did God lead me to CCU?
Is it so I could be exposed to Outdoor leadership, and get interested in wilderness medicine?
Am I completely wrong about this whole medical thing, is it suppossed to just be some crazy interest?
Could I even get into grad school for something related to medicine?

Reverse Culture shock hits

So in wichita, I thought I had doged reverse culture shock,
I didn't cry in target
I didnt feel out of place in my own home
I felt the same and my family felt the same
that is until I got back to ccu....
All the sudden I started to wonder when I became so different. I listened to my friends having conversations that they have had millions of times before, and I found myself wondering, whats the point?
I found myself craving conversations that mattered, conversations about things such as living simply, not about why something is bothering us. Conversations that help us follow God with all our hearts minds, strength and soul
My path I was on at CCU, went around a big bend this week and is now heading in a new direction.
Silly thing is, I am more excited for this semester then I have ever been before.

Last late night ramble of break...

I have realized lately that I feel missed at CCU,
and it is such a good feeling to feel missed. It doesnt happen very often to a person who moves around as much as I do, I almost wonder if I come with a WARNING do not get too attached she will go away soon, sticker pasted on my forehead. I havent given people the chance to miss me. Within two months of forming a friendship with a person, I usually give them news that I will leave soon and never come back, haha aren't I nice? That or as it was in Uganda, people meet me knowing I wont be there forever. Nope feeling missed isnt usually a feeling I feel, only really happened when I moved away from Marietta, and now) unless it was of course from my family

I have realized CCU is my home college, I looked and I looked and I finally found it.
So what if the published political views of the school drive me nutty, at least they are open about it and dont hide it like the majority of the schools in the nation ( yes I just called your school biased, sorry, actually not really)

That and well I'm excited for this semester, and wondering what it truly has in store, I sure hope it's a good one.

New years resolutions

(anybody reading this please hold me accountable)
To turn 90% of Watson papers in on time, and the rest within one day of due date

To turn in all my other papers on time

to not let it take 10 hours to write a four page paper, I've done this in 2 hours before, this needs to become the norm

To raise my GPA, if that's even possible

To eat more heathy foods, and get outside more, To go into the woods and suck the marrow out of life

To find a job in Upstate New York

To spend less time online

Possible, I sure hope so

SO I don't think I have ever been quite this excited for college to start.
For one thing I'm not totally new anymore. Although it does kind of feel like I'm transferring all over again, I'm not
I know people
I know the ropes
I know my professors
I'm excited to get back to the mountains, if its possible to be addicted to the mountains, I think I am. Oh my goodness being gone from them has left a hole in my heart
I'm excited to be back in the CCU community
I'm excited to be back at snappers
I am very very excited to be back at street church
I'm excited to see friends again
I'm very very excited to be back on the slopes
In many ways I feel like I am entering Phase two of my college career. Phase 1 was adjustment; adjustment to shorter (never completely happened), adjustment to Wichita (never happened), adjustment to CCU, and adjustment to Uganda.
Phase two is settling
If Uganda didnt beat the crazy adventurous desire out of me I dont think anything will, but I also have a new desire: the desire to be settled. I am excited to not only build new friendships, but deeper friendships. I'm excited for the actions in my life to not only take me to the next goal, but deeper more important goals in my life
Good bye and good riddance Phase One
Hello! Phase 2