no job = oh well
God's leading me onto greener pastures
hint: the outdoors isn't going anywhere
God made clear of that
God? are you really leading me towards norway?

I'm feeling super thankful today
Tornados struck the south like never before last night
and one came a little too close for comfort, the huge mile wide tornado was only a couple miles away from my sister's home
I don't know if I've ever felt as helpless as I did last night sitting in the cafeteria, knowing there was a huge tornado near my sister's home and having no idea if it would hit her and Keith or not (for a couple of minutes all I knew was that she was ducking in cover and that it was bad), it was one of the times that the only thing I could do was pray, and I had to be okay with that.

Some of the people I know were not as lucky, I have heard that some of my friends from Shorter have family whose homes were destroyed. The college I went to freshman year has a lot of down trees and the power is still off. Thankfully as far as I know everyone is safe and accounted for. Be keeping them in your prayers

Why I resonate with reformed theology has a lot to do with my high school experience.
I am on the extroverted side (i have my introverted moments) and for the majority of my life, I have been the girl that even though I wasn't their best friend, they liked me I have always been the sweet girl, the nice girl,and even though I was a little different because of my speech, I always had friends, I felt loved by at least a minority
Well this wasn't the case in high school. I was lonely in high school, and got to a point my sophomore year that I literally felt loved by no one at school. While other kids hung out with friends on the weekend, I hung out out with my parents. I hit rock bottom, and wanted to desperately run away and start a new life, but couldn't. So I did the only thing I could do, I prayed
I prayed for new friends
but I also prayed that God would help me understand why I was going through this hard time.
And well God answered both prayers.
He showed me that the hard time was like a refining fire, he was using it to shape me.
Yet, places tell me that God doesn't have any part in the bad times we go through, because he is a good God
I can't agree.
Without my high school experience I wouldn't be who I am today
God is all powerful
He uses bad times for his Glory.

So I went to a reformed high school
where our dreams of a left behind return of Jesus were crushed
and we questioned stuff such as babies going to heaven
and if God hated people
(it was a bit extreme)
let's just say my whole class ran way from reformed theology super fast
Including me

I could not grasp he fact that a loving God would not choose to save some people. I thought all the reformed kids at my school were crazy for agreeing with this stuff. I still struggle with hell and God's love today

But the more as high school went on the more I was unable to deny the greatness of God.
Especially in the hardest times, his grace and love is still sovereign
I know the bible does not tell us that God causes bad things to happen, but God allows them to happen, they are in his will. And the more I started to understand God using bad things for his Glory, well I wasn't able to fit in my general common theology box anymore.
I started to struggle with Calvinism, and started to identify more and more with it.
but in many ways as much of a pun as this is, Calvinism started to choose me, I was running away from it with all my might.
but slowly I warmed up to the idea.

that is until I got to CCU
and then I went to Uganda
In these places it was as if
Calvinism was seen to be as much a part of Christianity as Buddhism is.
I felt like the solo Calvinist fish in a Armenian fish sea
and whenever I was open and talked about it, I might as well of been saying that I didn't believe in the trinity, that how much of a shocker it was.
so I forgot about my struggle
I hid it
I denied it
I stopped wrestling with it as much

then yesterday happened
when I finally visited one of the PCA (Presbyterian Church in America, the most conservative of the 2 main branches of Presbyterianism) churches in town
and I'm not kidding, it was like my soul breathed a sigh of relief.
and well I left church feeling closer to God, something that has not happened to me in a very long time
sure I have felt close to God over the past couple years, but it wasn't brought on by church, chapel yes, but not churches in Denver
and I'm still wrestling with Calvinism and other theological things, I still am a 3 1/2 point Calvinist but well I think I might of just found a place open to my struggling, and will help me find God's answers, not mans or the worlds
and provide me hope,
too bad next Sunday will be my last Sunday until august.
but I'm excited to see what next sunday brings

So I've been missing Uganda big time this week
I would pay anything to be sitting in the Convent in entebbe right now, with the 39 wonderful people that make up USP
I would do anything to be sitting in Josephine Tucker chatting with anyone who walks in
I would love to smell the rain
I would love to walk down the street of Mukono
USP is like a family, more then I ever realized when I was there.
But the thing is
I'm a drifter, i try not to be, but I get bored, honestly, I'm surprised I've stopped myself from trying to transfer.
and it's a lonely thing to be don't get me wrong, thank goodness I have my family
but It makes it so, that I literally have close friends on each coast, the north and the south. I have friends in Scotland, in Uganda.
and I love it
I absolutely love it.
but sometimes I wish I could find a community that i wasn't able to leave,
and then I don't
I hurt enough people when I left shorter, I don't really want to do that again by my choosing

I was so homesick while i was in Uganda for the first couple months, and then during everything with my Gahgee that when i got home i needed to literally just forget Uganda and Just be with my family with my home. I needed to celebrate pine trees, play in the mountains, love my incredible incredible family
but well the time to forget Uganda is gone
I miss the smell of rain
I miss trips to get chapati and rolexs
I really miss the wonderful usp and ugandan people i met.
and I've realized I'm different
I still don't quite fit into the space i left
I still look at our trash-can that gets filled up once a day with distain
(don't ask me why Uganda had an environmental influence on me, I have no idea)
I often feel like I come from a different planet then my peers
and even though I'm pretty sure that God will never ever call me to Africa
Pine-trees and having four seasons and such are just too dear to my heart not to mean something
(it's sounds weird but well it's something you have to experience for yourself)
I'm starting to wonder one again
Could he be calling me to Eastern Europe?
Politically well I've never been more confused in my life
and well spiritually, theologically I still know what I believe and it's really not different, but well I'm not as concerned as I once was about having perfect theology
I'm more concerned about how to best share God's wonderful amazing love with the world
I'm wanting to live simply, more then ever before
and often when I start to buy something, I stop realizing I don't truly truly need it.
and well there's this small small part of my heart that will always be in Uganda
and another part of me that will forever dream about living in a tent, cut of from the materialism excess of our world
Just like the earth around me is warming up, so is my heart, it's crying out to live again, to make a difference in the world around me

* and if you are wanting to hear abut Uganda.....upset I didn't share much when I got home.... well I'm ready to share

Reverse Cultural shock

so this is a silly song
but it really describes what coming back from Africa is like
except for the whole romantic relationship part haha

"Can I have another quarter?" he said.
"What?"
"Can I have another quarter?"
"Why?" she said.
"Uh, I dropped it," he said.
"Sure," she said, and she handed him another quarter.
And he reached out of the window there, and dropped it in the toll basket.
Up comes the gate, and out comes...

Johnny's camero, Johnny's camero
Johnny loved his camero, maybe more than life itself.

Oh it was no big deal, he was just taking her to the airport.
It was autumn in New York City,
there was a wind a lot like this.
It was springtime however, in Africa.
She'd been saving up her money.
She was going to go on one of these outward bound trips,
so he was just giving her a ride to the airport.
And around and around the airport they went,
through that parking garage, looking for a parking space.
"There's one," she said.
"No."
"There's one," she said.
"No."
You see, actually it takes two parking spaces...

for Johnny's camero, Johnny's camero

He's a little nervous walking through the airport.
He's always looking back over his shoulder.
"You can go back if you want," she said.
"No, no man, I'll stay."
And he did. He stayed until the plane took off.
Then he ran back.
But meanwhile, she was high up over the city.
She was looking down.
She was looking down at the lights of the buildings.
She was looking down at the lights of the boats on the water.
She was looking down at the lights.
You could see them crossing the bridges,
and through the little canyon streets.
Little tiny, diamond toward you and ruby away.
You know, those little tiny moving lights.
And she knew that one of them was... well you know.

Man, I've got to tell you about the adventure she had in Africa.
I think I should start with the silver bracelet,
I think that's where it all turns around.
She hadn't been on the trip long and one of the guides sort of
took her under his wing.
'Cause she was sort of startled easy,
she was a little nervous about being out there.
The first time she got sunburned through her hat
she realized she was a long way from being home.
She had just left the group for a little while one day,
she had just went to take a pee,
she said "I'll be right back," but she didn't come back for awhile.
And this guide, this African man went to look for her.
"Laura! Laura?"
He found her standing on the lowest branch of a fairly tall tree,
way off the ground."
"How you get up there?"
Well she had jumped.
"Why?"
Well there was a hyena, and they had told her about hyenas.
They have jaws that can crush bone.
She wasn't in a really confident position anyway,
and she just ran, and there was the branch.
She jumped - one hand slipped, one hand held.
She was not coming down.
"He's gone."
So now she trusted him, and she swings back down
and both arms straight, hanging from that branch,
her feet are four feet off the ground.
Man, she didn't know she could jump that high.
Ah, but she does now.

It was changes like that that made him give her that silver bracelet.
It was the one that he'd always wear kind of between his elbow
and his shoulder, kind of wrapped tight around his arm.
It was a beautiful silver bracelet, and he bent it down to fit around
her muscle there and she smiled.
So much so that it startled him.
So much so that on the last day of that trip, when they were getting
back on the bus to go to the small airport to go to the big airport
to go across the ocean to go back to... you know,
when they were getting back on the bus and she leaned out the window
for that last little cheesecake snapshot
and as he looked through the camera, he had to slowly take the camera
down, and turn his head to the side a little bit, look a little bit
sad and say
"How you get up there?"

She was dreaming over the ocean
Dreaming of being home again
Dreaming over the ocean
Of what would never be the same.

Well he wasn't at the gate when she got into the airport.
He must have been looking for a parking space.
So she just walked through the airport, you know,
and it wasn't like before.
Now the airport seemed kind of small.
The airport seemed kind of stuffy, ceiling was a little bit low.
And everyone was getting out of her way.
I don't know - well, actually I do know.
Maybe it was because it had been winter, you see,
and she had just come back from summer.
And she was just dressed normally. Everyone else was bundled up,
but she had on her hiking boots and shorts and tank top,
hair tied back, and a knife on her belt, and a big old silver bracelet,
I think it was the silver bracelet,
but everybody was getting out of her way.
She didn't see him 'til the backpack comes rolling down the
old baggage claim, and suddenly there's this arm
and this voice saying, "I'll get that."
And she says, "Hey, that's my backpack, gimme it. Where you parked?"
So he reluctantly gave her the backpack,
and she swung it over her shoulder
and they went out and carefully nestled it in the trunk

And then, out of the parking garage and into the city.
And she had to lean out the window,
she pushed the button and made the window go down
and she leaned out a little bit to feel the wind in her hair.
Man, this is the wild place to be.
I mean, this is the place,
she has to lean a little further out of the car just to
just to see it all, just to look up at some of the buildings.
As a matter of fact, she leaned a little farther back
so she could look back behind
and watch those big tires rolling on that pavement,
and then suddenly the window came back up
and she comes back in, startled
and sure enough Johnny's got his finger on the power...
...the power... the power window.
And he's looking at her like,
"Will you get your feet off the upholstery!"
The upholstery, the upholstery. She forgot. How could she forget?
Well, she'd been in Africa, come on.
She took her feet off the upholstery.
As a matter of fact, she took her feet off the upholstery politely.
As a matter of fact, she folded her hands in her lap
and she settled in for this ride.
I saw just a glint of a smile as she turned her face to one side.
Maybe to feel the plush upholstery brush against her cheek.
Maybe to see the lights of the graphic equalizer on the stereo
reflected in the side window.
Maybe to watch that lone drop of water make its weary way across
that perfectly waxed surface.
But I think it was just to enjoy this ride...
this ride...
this last ride...

in Johnny's camero, Johnny's camero.

Will you pray with me

new blog about entering the mission field and prayer request that I have, just look on my profile

moving pains......

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is
to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone
with the heavens, nature and God.

Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and
that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple
beauty of nature. I firmly believe that nature brings solace
in all troubles.
- Anne Frank

this week has been blah week,
you know those weeks were nothing is wrong but you feel like poo
Part of it is probably feeling a lack of direction
because I've realized lately how much I miss Georgia
I miss knowing people who have watched me grow into the person I am today
because well you are getting only a very small part of the story if you only know present day me
No one here knows cheerleading me, sorority girl me (ha ha hahaha I can't believe I wore pearls with a tee shirt), or has no friends me, or too cool for school middle school me.
and sure people in Georgia don't know me now, the learning how to be my real self without labels me.
But it would be great if someone besides my family knew all of these
because of the close knitness of the USP group, they got close, but it still isn't the same as if they were actually there.
I wish for a day I could go back to cell group at riverstone, and go from complaining about high school, to saying look at what were doing now!

My heart is broken, Back to school blues

1-3% of Scotland's population are born-again Christians. 1 There are more registered witches in Scotland than clergy. 1 On average, two churches a week in Scotland close down due to falling memberships. 1 At least one third of the Church of Scotland ministers would today profess to be evangelical (400 out of 1200). 2 In the Church of Scotland, the curve of decline is steep, membership is almost in freefall – with 20,000 members leaving per year, churches closing left right and centre. 2 Callum Brown, claims it took several centuries to convert Britain to Christianity but less than 40 years for the country to forsake it. 3 In Scotland, 45 percent of those who align themselves with Christianity are over the age of 50, and 35 per cent of Church of Scotland followers at pensionable age. This is a stark contrast to the Muslim community, where a massive 31 per cent of followers are under the age of 16. 4 1. Pastor David Simpson, Calvary Christian Fellowship. http://www.wcmonline.org/scotland01/overview.html 2. Free Church of Scotland website. Article from David Robertson. http://www.freechurch.org/robbo/robbocg.htm 3. Callum G. Brown is Professor of Religious and Cultural History at the University of Dundee. He teaches and researches in the history of community ritual, personal memory and secularisation. He is author of The Death of Christian Britain (2000) and Up-helly-aa (1998) 4. Alex Kay. © 2000-2003 Student Newspaper. Article: You mosque go to church. Reporting the first national census to take religious orientation into account was published by the Scottish Executive. The worse day of the semester? the day After spring break and with how Gods been gearing my heart lately toward Scotland, Looking at the mountains don't really make me feel better, I missed my family, and I just wanted to go home but God is Good and he has brought me through while breaking my heart for Scotland Your Hands -JJ Heller I have unanswered prayers I have trouble I wish wasn't there And I have asked a thousand ways That You would take my pain away That You would take my pain away I am trying to understand How to walk this weary land Make straight the paths that crookedly lie Oh Lord, before these feet of mine Oh Lord, before these feet of mine When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands When You walked upon the Earth You healed the broken, lost, and hurt I know You hate to see me cry One day You will set all things right Yea, one day You will set all things right When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands Your hands Your hands that shape the world Are holding me, they hold me still Your hands that shape the world Are holding me, they hold me still When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave You when... When my world is shaking Heaven stands When my heart is breaking I never leave... I never leave Your hands

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry (please remember hunger in not just physical)
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
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-- Goodbye facebook