Monday, March 31, 2014

Last year I meet 25 different high school students
25 high school students who all lived in Wilmington, DE
who are were different individuals, with different dreams and plans. 
I went to volunteer with them, to make a difference in Wilmington, to change their lives
little did I know they would really change mine

They would change the  way I look at the world, they would change the way I see people
They changed the way I saw high school. They showed me my gifts, and they showed me my weaknesses. They showed me love.

I was really lost last year, my heart was not the heart of a daughter of a king. I didn't realize what I had. I didn't realize that now a year later I would lay in my bed, wishing for one more car ride conversation.  One more celebration of doing great. I don't wish I could go back, because God has a plan and a purpose, he created me with this wonderful global heart that felt unused last year. But I do still wish for some of the wonderful moments.

 Streetleaders of 2012-2013 I love you

Sunday, March 30, 2014

a raw honest post..... an edited post I wrote right before I moved to Denver. Probably even more true today.

My heart is churning, growing, learning. My mind is getting ready to jump. God is teaching me about me.

I don’t do cross cultural experiences like most people do. My culture shock is different, my rate of change is different. Other people well they seem to change the second they get there. I get home 4 months go by and then all the sudden I go wait a minute, who exactly was I six months ago?
Uganda changed the way I saw the world. England, well England changed the way I view my self. I have come to realize awful things about how I was operating preLondon. I had a huge pride problem that stemmed from anxiety. And I’m pretty sure I hurt a lot of people around me, possibly even myself.  I’m sorry, I am so sorry. I forgot that I was a daughter of the King of Kings, that was a worse sinner than I thought but who served a God greater than I could imagine. I couldn’t see my own sin and because of that my heart was hard.  When I finally realized I truly needed to lay everything at his feet and that it would be okay. But when I did that, When I said God you can even have MY aspirations for overseas ministry, well things slowly started to change.
 Slowly, the gospel began to permeate my heart. Slowly, I started to realize that I could use this heart God’s given me for his people WHEREVER I AM. That I have to learn how to use this heart here too. So my focus changed. Even though the plans aren’t different the focus changed from me asking God, where can I serve you, to asking him God let me LOVE, let me love your people, refined my motives, cleanse my heart. Let me reach people for their good and your glory and not for my own good.
 Slowly God re lit a flame in my heart. A flame for the people who have ran away or have been discarded by Christianity.  A flame for the people who don’t believe they fit in God’s heart, because they don’t fit in the christian culture/ bubble we have created. A flame that was birthed because I didn’t fit, because I have been forgotten and unloved.
I’m the odd ball that can’t talk right and talks too much. I’m the girl who was friendless at a christian high school.  PreLondon’s strive for worldly acceptance caused my to cast this aside.  It caused me to forget how uniquely me, God made me. And because I was living in this cistern of acceptance so deep I couldn’t even see my way to the top to realize what was going on, and my anxiety that caused me to put on the I’m great I have everything figured out face.
I don’t have everything figured out.
I I’m still afraid to trust. I’m still afraid to be truly and completely open. But I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of boasting, I’m ready for living. I’m ready to jump feet first into Denver with my guards down and without a plan. I’m ready to get out of my bubble and to learn to love. But will you please pray for me, because I’m shaking in my boots.