As C.S Lewis said We are far too easily pleased.

So yet again today, i didn't get a job. It hurts. But this time, it's different the result is different.all because of What God told me last week.

It's not where you live but how you live.  

Life is life no matter where you live it, and you are you no matter where you are

In college God radically changed my worldview. He taught me compassion, and mercy, but more then that he allowed me to have a little glimpse into his heart for the world and how to best serve it.
And friends this is so very different then model we have for it, because God's view of us and his people is so different from the worlds.
More and more I have an unquenchable desire to walk and practice this new worldview out fully. To live out the gospel. To help other people live out the gospel. To turn this world on it's head and make big waves in the church, because the church that I love deeply(thank you God for helping me with that), is so very wounded and flawed. I feel like this is my calling but right now I am making mud pies, because I can't imagine the pleasure of a holiday at sea.  Am I being afraid to trust as completely as I should?

Last year I meet 25 different high school students
25 high school students who all lived in Wilmington, DE
who are were different individuals, with different dreams and plans. 
I went to volunteer with them, to make a difference in Wilmington, to change their lives
little did I know they would really change mine

They would change the  way I look at the world, they would change the way I see people
They changed the way I saw high school. They showed me my gifts, and they showed me my weaknesses. They showed me love.

I was really lost last year, my heart was not the heart of a daughter of a king. I didn't realize what I had. I didn't realize that now a year later I would lay in my bed, wishing for one more car ride conversation.  One more celebration of doing great. I don't wish I could go back, because God has a plan and a purpose, he created me with this wonderful global heart that felt unused last year. But I do still wish for some of the wonderful moments.

 Streetleaders of 2012-2013 I love you

a raw honest post..... an edited post I wrote right before I moved to Denver. Probably even more true today.

My heart is churning, growing, learning. My mind is getting ready to jump. God is teaching me about me.

I don’t do cross cultural experiences like most people do. My culture shock is different, my rate of change is different. Other people well they seem to change the second they get there. I get home 4 months go by and then all the sudden I go wait a minute, who exactly was I six months ago?
Uganda changed the way I saw the world. England, well England changed the way I view my self. I have come to realize awful things about how I was operating preLondon. I had a huge pride problem that stemmed from anxiety. And I’m pretty sure I hurt a lot of people around me, possibly even myself.  I’m sorry, I am so sorry. I forgot that I was a daughter of the King of Kings, that was a worse sinner than I thought but who served a God greater than I could imagine. I couldn’t see my own sin and because of that my heart was hard.  When I finally realized I truly needed to lay everything at his feet and that it would be okay. But when I did that, When I said God you can even have MY aspirations for overseas ministry, well things slowly started to change.
 Slowly, the gospel began to permeate my heart. Slowly, I started to realize that I could use this heart God’s given me for his people WHEREVER I AM. That I have to learn how to use this heart here too. So my focus changed. Even though the plans aren’t different the focus changed from me asking God, where can I serve you, to asking him God let me LOVE, let me love your people, refined my motives, cleanse my heart. Let me reach people for their good and your glory and not for my own good.
 Slowly God re lit a flame in my heart. A flame for the people who have ran away or have been discarded by Christianity.  A flame for the people who don’t believe they fit in God’s heart, because they don’t fit in the christian culture/ bubble we have created. A flame that was birthed because I didn’t fit, because I have been forgotten and unloved.
I’m the odd ball that can’t talk right and talks too much. I’m the girl who was friendless at a christian high school.  PreLondon’s strive for worldly acceptance caused my to cast this aside.  It caused me to forget how uniquely me, God made me. And because I was living in this cistern of acceptance so deep I couldn’t even see my way to the top to realize what was going on, and my anxiety that caused me to put on the I’m great I have everything figured out face.
I don’t have everything figured out.
I I’m still afraid to trust. I’m still afraid to be truly and completely open. But I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of boasting, I’m ready for living. I’m ready to jump feet first into Denver with my guards down and without a plan. I’m ready to get out of my bubble and to learn to love. But will you please pray for me, because I’m shaking in my boots.

A glimpse into my heart

I think part of the reason I feel so called to overseas, is it is cultures and God's creation where I see God.  It's where God reveals himself to me. Just think about it God created culture. There is a reason he made people to not be alike. There is a reason Nigerians eat Fufu and Ugandans eat Matoke. And it's beautiful it's absolutely beautiful.We all say that God made each of us to be individuals to be unique. Well God also made community's to be unique too and this uniqueness is what we call culture.  Yet, we live in cultural Ghettos, hanging out with people who think, dress, and act like us. St. Augustine address this he says “The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” Reading only a page of a book, well that's just plumb awful. And think about this more. How much more awful would it be to read a book and only like the pages that are like your page. Well it would be like saying I only like 1 John, I don't like the rest of the bible. But all of scripture proclaims the glory of God, and so does his creation. It is beautiful because God created it in his image.  In heaven it will be so beautiful when all the cultures are joined together praising God, just like it will be that all God's people are joined together. Why isn't though that we refuse to participate in this glimpse of heaven here. Why do we segregate? Why do we hang out with people just like us?
Because we are fallen, and part of our fallen nature is wanting safety, easiness. Nothing to be hard. Crossing Cultures is hard, partly because it requires us to be selfless and admit that everything we think and do is not right, That there isn't a right or wrong way to do some things. But friend disappointment, sadness, struggle those aren't sins. God is sinless yet we break his heart when we sin. So Why do we make life so easy, and ignore the fullness that God has given us right here on the earth?

Faith

I often fear that I don't have things right. That I might be missing God or following the wrong things. This comes from my own personal church history background, which I won't go into. But I want to make sure that I am following God with all my heart and all of my mind.* Whatever it might look like. Starting this summer God has lead me on a path of realizing how sinful I am, but how great he is. He is so very great friends, and he is so powerful, ALL powerful.
But it has lead me to this place. This place of knowing I can't have all the answers it's not possible. We are too fallen to have all the answers,  but friends don't lose hope! For GOD IS MORE POWERFUL AND LOVING AND FAITHFUL THAN WE CAN IMAGINE. I don't need all the answers, I just need to wake up everyday picking up my cross and carrying it daily, laying myself and my plans at his feet. One thing i know for sure, God has called all of us to love EVERYONE. And not economical love which is conditional, but AGAPE unconditional love. Love with out expecting anything in return, agendaless love. Love like he first showed us.

*friends after the fall I had it is a very big thing I just said that, God is faithful in our weakness!