An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

Before I even left for Rwanda a movie title "as we forgive" got me thinking by one quote; "How can I refuse to forgive when I am a forgiven sinner too?" I then went and had hands on experience learning about the Rwandan Genocide and the steps and the heart conditions that lead to a genocide. My heart began to change.
Later in the semester I read the story of the women who committed adultery and I saw bibically for the first time why I believe the death penalty is not scriptural. But I didn't understand the political side of it for most of college, all I knew was this was something I knew deep in my heart was wrong.
That changed when I lived in Wilmington, DE.  When I lived there for the first time i learned the facts, for the first time I realized that not only did abolishing the death penalty make sense to my heart, it also made sense to my mind. The death penalty actually costs more than life imprisonment, it has been shown that the death penalty is not more of a deterrence, and well this map

My heart is broken today. What Kelly Glissendaner did is horrendous and wrong, but what was done to her is also horrendous and wrong. Did you know the one of the people trying to help her gain clemency was a prison worker because of the difference she had made in the morale of the prison? Please pay attention to this issue and learn.

As C.S Lewis said We are far too easily pleased.

So yet again today, i didn't get a job. It hurts. But this time, it's different the result is different.all because of What God told me last week.

It's not where you live but how you live.  

Life is life no matter where you live it, and you are you no matter where you are

In college God radically changed my worldview. He taught me compassion, and mercy, but more then that he allowed me to have a little glimpse into his heart for the world and how to best serve it.
And friends this is so very different then model we have for it, because God's view of us and his people is so different from the worlds.
More and more I have an unquenchable desire to walk and practice this new worldview out fully. To live out the gospel. To help other people live out the gospel. To turn this world on it's head and make big waves in the church, because the church that I love deeply(thank you God for helping me with that), is so very wounded and flawed. I feel like this is my calling but right now I am making mud pies, because I can't imagine the pleasure of a holiday at sea.  Am I being afraid to trust as completely as I should?

Last year I meet 25 different high school students
25 high school students who all lived in Wilmington, DE
who are were different individuals, with different dreams and plans. 
I went to volunteer with them, to make a difference in Wilmington, to change their lives
little did I know they would really change mine

They would change the  way I look at the world, they would change the way I see people
They changed the way I saw high school. They showed me my gifts, and they showed me my weaknesses. They showed me love.

I was really lost last year, my heart was not the heart of a daughter of a king. I didn't realize what I had. I didn't realize that now a year later I would lay in my bed, wishing for one more car ride conversation.  One more celebration of doing great. I don't wish I could go back, because God has a plan and a purpose, he created me with this wonderful global heart that felt unused last year. But I do still wish for some of the wonderful moments.

 Streetleaders of 2012-2013 I love you

a raw honest post..... an edited post I wrote right before I moved to Denver. Probably even more true today.

My heart is churning, growing, learning. My mind is getting ready to jump. God is teaching me about me.

I don’t do cross cultural experiences like most people do. My culture shock is different, my rate of change is different. Other people well they seem to change the second they get there. I get home 4 months go by and then all the sudden I go wait a minute, who exactly was I six months ago?
Uganda changed the way I saw the world. England, well England changed the way I view my self. I have come to realize awful things about how I was operating preLondon. I had a huge pride problem that stemmed from anxiety. And I’m pretty sure I hurt a lot of people around me, possibly even myself.  I’m sorry, I am so sorry. I forgot that I was a daughter of the King of Kings, that was a worse sinner than I thought but who served a God greater than I could imagine. I couldn’t see my own sin and because of that my heart was hard.  When I finally realized I truly needed to lay everything at his feet and that it would be okay. But when I did that, When I said God you can even have MY aspirations for overseas ministry, well things slowly started to change.
 Slowly, the gospel began to permeate my heart. Slowly, I started to realize that I could use this heart God’s given me for his people WHEREVER I AM. That I have to learn how to use this heart here too. So my focus changed. Even though the plans aren’t different the focus changed from me asking God, where can I serve you, to asking him God let me LOVE, let me love your people, refined my motives, cleanse my heart. Let me reach people for their good and your glory and not for my own good.
 Slowly God re lit a flame in my heart. A flame for the people who have ran away or have been discarded by Christianity.  A flame for the people who don’t believe they fit in God’s heart, because they don’t fit in the christian culture/ bubble we have created. A flame that was birthed because I didn’t fit, because I have been forgotten and unloved.
I’m the odd ball that can’t talk right and talks too much. I’m the girl who was friendless at a christian high school.  PreLondon’s strive for worldly acceptance caused my to cast this aside.  It caused me to forget how uniquely me, God made me. And because I was living in this cistern of acceptance so deep I couldn’t even see my way to the top to realize what was going on, and my anxiety that caused me to put on the I’m great I have everything figured out face.
I don’t have everything figured out.
I I’m still afraid to trust. I’m still afraid to be truly and completely open. But I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of boasting, I’m ready for living. I’m ready to jump feet first into Denver with my guards down and without a plan. I’m ready to get out of my bubble and to learn to love. But will you please pray for me, because I’m shaking in my boots.

A glimpse into my heart

I think part of the reason I feel so called to overseas, is it is cultures and God's creation where I see God.  It's where God reveals himself to me. Just think about it God created culture. There is a reason he made people to not be alike. There is a reason Nigerians eat Fufu and Ugandans eat Matoke. And it's beautiful it's absolutely beautiful.We all say that God made each of us to be individuals to be unique. Well God also made community's to be unique too and this uniqueness is what we call culture.  Yet, we live in cultural Ghettos, hanging out with people who think, dress, and act like us. St. Augustine address this he says “The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” Reading only a page of a book, well that's just plumb awful. And think about this more. How much more awful would it be to read a book and only like the pages that are like your page. Well it would be like saying I only like 1 John, I don't like the rest of the bible. But all of scripture proclaims the glory of God, and so does his creation. It is beautiful because God created it in his image.  In heaven it will be so beautiful when all the cultures are joined together praising God, just like it will be that all God's people are joined together. Why isn't though that we refuse to participate in this glimpse of heaven here. Why do we segregate? Why do we hang out with people just like us?
Because we are fallen, and part of our fallen nature is wanting safety, easiness. Nothing to be hard. Crossing Cultures is hard, partly because it requires us to be selfless and admit that everything we think and do is not right, That there isn't a right or wrong way to do some things. But friend disappointment, sadness, struggle those aren't sins. God is sinless yet we break his heart when we sin. So Why do we make life so easy, and ignore the fullness that God has given us right here on the earth?

Faith

I often fear that I don't have things right. That I might be missing God or following the wrong things. This comes from my own personal church history background, which I won't go into. But I want to make sure that I am following God with all my heart and all of my mind.* Whatever it might look like. Starting this summer God has lead me on a path of realizing how sinful I am, but how great he is. He is so very great friends, and he is so powerful, ALL powerful.
But it has lead me to this place. This place of knowing I can't have all the answers it's not possible. We are too fallen to have all the answers,  but friends don't lose hope! For GOD IS MORE POWERFUL AND LOVING AND FAITHFUL THAN WE CAN IMAGINE. I don't need all the answers, I just need to wake up everyday picking up my cross and carrying it daily, laying myself and my plans at his feet. One thing i know for sure, God has called all of us to love EVERYONE. And not economical love which is conditional, but AGAPE unconditional love. Love with out expecting anything in return, agendaless love. Love like he first showed us.

*friends after the fall I had it is a very big thing I just said that, God is faithful in our weakness!

A modern day Moses
waking the streets
With shouts of glory and blistered feet
He's met the maker he's met the reason he's alive
And he's on fire inside
A modern day mother, living in the slums
Feeding the hungry, making sure the race gets run
Always asking if we fought with steady feet
She fights on her knees
Let my people go
A modern day Martin in a world of civil words exchanged
But dreaming bigger thinks maybe he can make the change
He's heard the stories, he wants some of his own
And he's not alone
The time is now the moment's here, walk in faith or stand in fear
Change the course of History, did you ever think?
No one ever thought-who would have believed?
A modern day me what have I become what can I be?
If there is greatness out there to be achieved
I want to be more than someone who just passes through this life
I want to stand up for what is right

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tanyachen/instagrams-of-everyday-africa-that-prove-theyre-so-much-m

This speaks volumes about journalism priorities to me

We must stop. If this was Europe or America it would be headline news EVERYWHERE (good job CNN). We must stop seeing people as others, and seek to see everyone in a similar light.

The Future

Okay so as anyone who has been at UrbanPromise or has hung out with me in the past 6 months knows, I've been struggling with the future BIG time.  There is so much that I want to do and well what seems like little guidance on what I should do.
Which is scary for a girl that feels like God has very clearly lead her to different places the past 5 year. USP, CCU, UP God showed up and clearly pushed me to go the places he sent me.
 But I'm doing better now
Thanks to a wonderful intern from my study abroad program I started reading this book called Just Do something. and well it made me look at the whole thing differently. I've started to look at how God has made me, what are the desires he has placed in my heart. In a nutshell what makes sense for me to do next, here is a list of things I have come up with:

1. International, I LOVED studying in college and God has given me this huge heart for the world, I feel like I am not being faithful if I am not using it. The best way I can describe it is it's like having a gift and love of singing, and never worshiping God with song. 
2. Relationships, Wherever I am I must be able to grow in relationship and have a true Christlike community.
3. Location, Preferably Denver, near Birmingham, or international, but I'll go ANYWHERE for the right opportunity
4. I want to join people together, I want to seek reconciliation 
5. I want to learn, I want to live a lifestyle of learning, always finding out new things, always seeking to understand the world around me further

So there it is,  now here is finding out what this looks like ... let the adventure begin

Last year I read this book called Good News about Injustice and this book impacted my faith in ways I am still learning, but one of its biggest impacts was how it called my heart to action.
In Scripture Micah has a vision and in this vision it is asked God what is pleasing to you, God how are you most glorified and God says he is most glorifed when we
Do Justice, Love Kindness, And Walk humly with him
In the old testament just the definition of rightousness is a call for persuing justice,
this is becoming the cry of my heart. To possily impact the world in helping it see that we might be more alike then it thinks. To make enemies friends To bring reconciliation, to bring peace. To share the crazy love of Christ

Confessions of a nonvoter

 I didn't vote
Yes I did not vote in the presidental election. Yes a Dominion and CCU alumni, who has been taught the importance of voting since birth didn't vote.
And well as much as I make excuses that I didn't pick a candidate on time, I did it on purpose.
For one the lesser of two evils is still evil.

What is a person to do when she has so many strong beliefs that land on every side of the political spectrum suppossed to do?
I was taught through out school that we should vote for the person who we we believe in who we think should be running our country, and looking out for the greater good. What do we do when we do not see this person?
So it is said we choose the best we can, making sure above all else we choose. But I can't do that I voted in the last election for what I believed to be the lesser of two evils and very much regretted my decision a year later (not to say my person won).  I believe when you vote your are holding part of the responsibility of putting someone in office. And well how could I say put this person in office, when I didn't even want them to be in office in the first place.
So I didn't vote
 I used the freedom that God has given me, and I didn't vote, because I know NO MATTER who wins, and what happens in this country my hope and trust will be placed in God alone.
Pray for the Nation
Pray that Gods will will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Pray for the World and all the rulers and people in it.

Okay here is a real honest blog
When I returned from Uganda, well even in the amsterdam airport, my heart was so happy to be in the west, among our affluence that I quickly decided in my heart that I was never called to live in Uganda again. This decision became even clearer, when I saw my family and loved being with them, and reflected over the past few months there. I was so happy to be home, I literally hardly even talked about Uganda for three months. but well there is something about Uganda that get's inside of you, and while I was there I changed as a person.
But still the idea of living in Uganda wasn't for me. There were lot's of reasons, but lets just say I was pretty convinced that the idea of living in Uganda wasn't for me.
That is until this summer. For the first time since I've been home I spent time with Ugandans, one of them Moses was getting married (to a girl from the Uganda Studies Programme!!) and his Mom came to the camps and sang, and gave her story of sorts. I had no idea any of this would be happening. I had recently gotten back from somewhere, was standing in the kitchen and once of the interns Salima came in and said Kim you will want to see this and lead me into the big room. A few seconds later the Ugandans in the room all started to sing Ugandan songs, and a big large lump appeared in my throat. It was as if for a moment part of my soul returned home. And since that day I have not been able to get Uganda out of my head. Also my biggest reason for not going to Uganda long term was I felt like I couldn't connect with the people, but now after this summer I have 5 close Ugandan friends.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all of this, Will you pray with me?
I just know one thing, during time like this all i know is I want to be where GOD wants me to be

If I was going to really describe my summer. Well it would take forever. But well I knew from the moment that I got here that this place is like a family, that this place is special.
So let's start with describing what a say in the life of Kim looks like right now. Well To start I live in a house with 14 people in all, 10 girls 4 guys. It can get crazy. But well we are all big fans of quality time, so there are many special moments. Nights are often filled with meaningful conversation that goes late into the night.
The Staff here also really encourages each other in our relationship with God. And well that has been pretty incredible. I feel challenged in my faith for the first time in a long time.
I have also really enjoyed working with the high schools. I never thought I would be doing high school ministry. But I love it so much!!!!
Okay that was really short. I just can't write anymore without writing a book.
Things to pray for
energy ( we get tired, and we literally never stop)
continued harmony in my house
A meaningful last couple weeks ( for the summer, I'm coming back for the school year)
helping them develop the outdoor program in the near future

Hopefully I will find time to write on here in the future, but no promises.

Both in Mumbai

Am I the only person who does not see something wrong with this?

OUCH!

During the George W. Bush administration, public opinion of America declined in most European countries. A Pew Global Attitudes Project poll showed "favourable opinions" of America between 2000 and 2006 dropping from 83% to 56% in the United Kingdom, from 62% to 39% in France, from 78% to 37% in Germany and from 50% to 23% in Spain.^[75]

I've been sitting here thinking about college all day, and how I have changed and how I have grown.
And I've realized something, the best thing college has done for me is that It has not only taught me to be me, but it has taught me to love the real me.
a me that isn't trying to shove herself into a box anymore, because I've realized life just goes better when I don't fit
I think about high school me, the me that was desperately trying to be like the other girls in cobb county, so that i could have friends. I was a cheerleader, I wore Ralph Lauren and pearls with my tee shirt. None of those things are bad, but I wasn't being me.  Somehow I had gone from the girl in elementary school who refused to wear any logos because I believed I was advertising. To the girl who was afraid to wear anything without a logo
I was lost, I needed to be found.
God found me, he met me where I was at
Sometimes I wonder how I have changed so much. Sometimes I just have to shake my head.  The girl who wouldn't go out of the house without eyeliner, only wears mascara now. The girl who wanted a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and her dream job as a cheerleading coach now wants to see the world.
God has made me into a new creation in college and I couldn't be more thankful. He taught me how to be me, the living contradiction.  Isn't life fun :)

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.

-Wendall Berry

In a week.......
When people ask me where I go to school ( like they will because I look so young) I will have to awkwardly tell them I'm a college graduate
I will read books for fun
I will no longer be my year in school but my age
college students will start to seem younger than me
I will be one step further to being a grown up 
I will never write a paper again (unless Redcliffe or and medical degree decides to woo me)
I will not have a Mrs degree and I will be perfectly happy with that fact
I will leave the  the friends I spent nights praying for in high school
The world will be at my footsteps and I will be ready to take it on

thank you college