12 random facts

1. I was a cheerleader in high school, and Captain my senior year. It's pretty much what my high school career was devoted to. And now I cant believe I actually did it for so long, and often wonder what I was thinking.
2. i was involved in drama in middle school... I wish I stuck with it, i think my high school career would of been a happier one if I had
3. my biggest regret in life is how I treated people in middle school, I was a clueless idiot who would do anything to be popular and consistently talked behind peoples backs, even though I put on a mirage that I was the sweetest girl in the world
I'm stil trying to completely do away with these bad habits
4. I've realized life goes a lot better, when you don't care if people think you are cool
5. i dream of living in a house the size of a one care garage
6. I've realized the purpose of my time spent in Uganda was to simplify my life
7. I'm utterly more confused about politics each day, i have absolutely no idea which party (third parties included) I'll vote for in the next election
8. Most of my time in class is spent either feeling like the most liberal person there or the most conservative.
9. going on the mission field scares me, i often wonder if my theology is too free spirited for it
10. Calvinism bothers me, but I believe with all my heart that God is all powerful, and we're utterly utterly sinful, so i'm reluctantly reformed.
11. i am now realizing that most of my middle school teachers were hippies
12. I wish I had listened to them more

I'm in trouble....

That's Scotland
it's not Colorado,
but it will suffice...
It would be nice if God will tell me to plans he has for this heart of mine

When i was in Uganda we read this book called http://www.whenhelpinghurts.org/ and it made me mad really mad because of the context I was in. All around me I heard people talking about how short term missions are awful, and hurting, and they should be stopped! You would of thought that they were talking about trip where people went and directly stole away from the poor. But well my feelings have changed since I've returned. maybe in a different way those trips do do that in a not directed way... Do I believe all short term missions are bad? Heavens No But I do believe some short term missions allow the impoverished to slip deeper into poverty. We must enable, not disable those we help. We must enable them to help themselves, because they are capable of it, Short term missions need to be about giving Hope (telling about Christ) and a Future ( involving the people of the area and enabling them to help themselves) not about relief, unless it is providing relief after a horrific natural disaster, so they can get to they place they once were.

I am starting to feel that living in Scotland after I graduate, is not only a dream, but a likelihood a possibility. It's freaking me out a little bit
It's weeding out the bad desires from my heart and leaving the good ones.
Its creating a tension
I tension that is allowing me to evaluate
I honestly hope it stays awhile
If your reading this will you pray with me?
There's something in my heart thats hesitant
and its probably becuase I'm afraid of getting my hopes up
I have almost done a YWAM DTS two other times in my life
But the timing has never seen so perfect until now
It has never seemed like the only option that made sense
I'm almost wondering if it just seems like it's too good to be true
or is the lack of adventure it
is there something else God has in mind that's even better?

So I feel like I have to justify my dream to people a lot.
I often feel like an odd ball for having a heart for not the"global south" the third world or whatever you want to call it, but for Europe
I wonder sometimes if my call is less holy.
and I know this is all nonsence.
Ive been there
I've seen the need
I have felt needed
in my heart I have such a desire to bring not the joy of the world but the Joy of the Lord.

But why do I still feel like an oddball. Why do I feel like everyone thinks I just want to travel and see the world?
And I do, but the closer the time gets to going out, the more the desire to travel goes away, and the more my heart churns for living in Scotland. I realized the other day, that if I really lived in Scotland, and made a difference I would be happy if the only time I left was to go home to see my family. It would even be worth never skiing again, or whitewater rafting ( though I would be very sad to give these up, and you can do both of those in Scotland thank you Jesus).
Is it fear that makes me hesitant? Because the idea of moving to a country where I ony know about 30 people is pretty scary.
I'm wondering Where I go from here, because well God's been telling me lately that the next step I take is going to be a big big step.

Lesson of the day

Do not have 4 hours of sleep and then eat a cookie for breakfast

www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2010/10/30/20-things-ive-learned-from-traveling-around-the-world-for-three-years/

me and music the confusing love story

So when i was little all I listen to was christian music, and Soundtracks
I was born a goody goody two shoes, and well I wanted only the purest things in life,
So I listened to Amy Grant,
and the Princess Collection,
and Point of Grace
and If I was feeling crazy I listened to Audio Adrenaline or The Waiting.
I acted like I wasnt interested in listening to N'Sync, and well I thought the Spice girls were the epitomy of sinful music.
and then I got to the age where all my friends shared there cd's on field trips
and I sat on the bus feeling like i was all by myself with my Adventures in Odessey CDs.
And then I got to middle school, and my music was not only unpopular ( I was used to that, I liked being semi-unique) but it was uncool, I had a harder time dealing with uncool.
So I forgot about music, and slowly slid into a silent life, listening to only what those around me listened too.
But when I got an ipod for my 18th birthday, I slowly started to emerge from my music funk, but I also slow realized I had no Idea what I liked.
I tried contemporary christian music but well I didn't like it anymore, it was cheesy, it was everything I was trying to get away from ( the christian ghetto thank you worldviews class)
So I slowly starting to listen to music by Christians who were not christian singers ( aka U2, The Fray)
but I felt so limited
(to be continued writers block)

I just watched a video about Uganda
you know that country that I lived in for three months,
and it was weird
It brought back feelings that I haven't felt since the plane took off from Entebbe
This feeling that I desperately want to minster to that place, but knowing deep in my heart that God hasn't called me there.
It brought a questioning heart, questioning: Why not me God?
Why if I'm willing, why haven't you given me the heart?
Why oh God have you given me a heart for a different place, a place called Scotland.
And yes God I'm willing to go there

but wondering deep in my heart, my purpose there,
Wondering about other places, like India
Could I also have a purpose there?

all I know is I'm not called to America
(by the way I lied in my last post, I cried when I left Uganda Christian University too, but I didn't try to stay, honestly if if wasn't for the fact I would of gotten my staff leader in huge trouble, I would of never left Scotland. )

Scotland
The closer I get to graduation, well the more I feel led to go there.
and not just for a week
or two weeks
but something longer term
something like finding a job there
or doing a DTS
or some other missions thing
The more I realize how I left my heart there
and how well, it is the only place that leaving made me cry
But, how?
when?
with whom?

I'm going to be honest
If I wasn't 27 credits and a half of a semester away from graduating i would of run away from CCU yesterday
I wanted to be anyplace but CCU.
I was seeing all of CCU's faults and none of the good
I was lonely
but well today, today was nothing short of an answer to prayer
I woke up and had a wonderful breakfast with a wonderful friend
and then I went to chapel, where we prayed for the school, and I actually half way liked the speaker
and i sat by a wonderful friend
then middle east, where i once again sat by a wonderful friend
then Outdoor leadership where my small group really dived in and got to know each other, and well bonded
and Then housing ProMo where I well became very excited for next year, and well made a wonderful friend
Thank you God,
I needed today

deep theological thoughts are rolling around in my head

I'm a mess when it comes to theology
I come from such a mix of backgrounds parts of my head, cant agree with each other
and well Love I know it's central to scripture, God is LOVE
but where does that leave hell (which I believe in)
and eternal life spent there.(which I believe in)
the more I grow in love with God and the more I learn about God
the more I become more confused
The more I wonder who's really holy?
Is it the girl who lives a perfect life, loving God by staying as clean as she possibly can
or is it the girl who might drink to much sometimes, might be a little crazy in her actions, but her one hearts desire and life goal is to LOVE god with everything she has and she spends her days devouring scripture, and doing absolutely everything to love those around her.
or are they equally holy?
What does God truly believe about war? about capital punishment? about capitalism? about communism? about material goods? about living simply?
about the reformation? about denominations?